- Lady Gaga
After clearing things up, we became slightly okay again. We talked about Amber Pacific(his favorite songs are If i fall, thoughts before me), Tokio Hotel(he told me "...idol nyo talaga si (Bill)Kaulitz), his family problems, morning exercise nila("Just dance" daw), Julien, Hong Kong, his friends and even his teachers like sir Leinard(he was a bit mad at sir Leinard for frankly telling him that im boyish) and at the same time sending me some sweetness. He even had the guts to text me in German after i told him that my crush is a German guy. He calls me "mein Liebling" and tells me "Guten nacht, Ich habe liebe dich" before i go to sleep. I was so impressed with him that unknown to myself, i was unconsciously falling for him.
Everytime Xurt keeps in touch with me, i feel like im in a blissful state of lightness and wonder. No one ever made me feel so special, loved and desired by a guy romantically. I experienced this kind of heaven until i suddenly fell down to depths of hellish depression.
One day, he suddenly told me that he's in love with Wendy de Villar but CJ Recto is also in love with her. He asked me if Wendy was the girl he really want. I shrugged and said, "i dunno...". Well, he can say that he likes her a bit, he havent been with her so, he cannot say if she's really her type... yet. They had a lot of things in common. He won't take her seriously, he's been out of lovelife for a very long time(pareho pala kami), he won't woo her out, he doesn't wanna be her bf, it's too early, she's just an inspiration(A girl with an average of 70 in math?? BEST. INSPIRATION. EVER.... dumbasses. haha!!)
Then i told him that i too was out of lovelife for a very long time. I told him the tragic story of Keith and how he made people think of me as heartless and cold as Siberia. Like what most of the people i confide my story with said, Xurt told me that Keith was wrong. This time, Xurt's opinion convinced me to face the truth. Xurt told me that a person must not go away from a person who likes him, as he may make the other person think that he is not what he is. I told him further that Keith frowned at me on the Sportsfest that's why i cried, Xurt would feel the same if it happened to him. He's glad that he met me, a person just like him in some ways. Then he said that he wont bring me trouble about Wendy.
He doesn't want CJ to hook up with Wendy because CJ is the titular "Bad Influence" of Lipa. He was notoriously known for hooking up with girls, have sex with them and then break their hearts. He even did it with a whore. And Xurt never wanted that to happen with Wendy. Ever since then, Xurt talks about CJ with an ominous and some kind of evil air, as if CJ is the bubonic plague of the 14th century personified(kulang nalang na sabihin nya na si CJ ay ang nagsimula ng bubonic plague- "Si CJ po ang nagsimula ng bubonic plague nung 14th century kaya namatay po ang mga ninuno ni Juliel-Juliel talaga si Julieno sa buhay ni Xurt..."). Then Xurt warned me not to tell any of what he said to Wendy, he wants Wendy to know who CJ really is when the right time comes. That's why he doesn't want Wendy to be close with CJ.
Hangang crush lang naman daw sya kay Wendy, but still he wished it that it's beyond that.
We both thought that i would be okay about this(since i never realized that he was my crush already) but we were wrong. As moments went by, the thought of Xurt loves someone romantically more than I nags like hell. I was unconsciously heartbroken until i realized that he was my crush already. After having a talk about Wendy, i told Xurt that i wanted to tell him something but im afraid if he knew, he will get away from me the way Keith Coral did. I wanted him to know but i don't know how... Then an idea sprouted in my mind that i should tell that directly to him... in gut, alte Deutsch. Then after telling that to him in German, i shouldn't reply back to him until the next day-my excuse, i was asleep. But my plan was foiled when i felt compelled to answer what does it means. I told him what it means and then he told me that we don't want any misunderstandings again, please explain it coz he's just curious. He won't get hurt. I said won't tell him because he'll end up like Keith. Then he said he won't get hurt, he thinks he had an idea about what i wanted him to know. He was like "Tell it to me, it's my bday!!! LOL"(Yeah, it's just some mere minutes away from his birthday-march 18). Well, since it's his birthday, *sigh* i told him the truth. I told him that i got a soft side for him and it's developing... in short, i got a crush on him. Happy now??
"Happy now? my answer is yes, very happy! Coz you know why? hehehe, cuz i feel the same way for you, that's why. Im flattered, simula nung js crush mo na ako?? im so happy" was his reply to me after waiting for what it seems like forever- and it stopped prolonged the agony. I told him it all began after i saw him wearing glasses and got to know him more. He told me that he feels so giddy, he's like he's going crazy in euphoria that he can't even sleep. He began crushing me when he first texted me. If he attended my graduation, he will wear his glasses. But what's with him? Why him?? Or glasses lang talaga? He's so happy, he likes me, the way i talk to him. I told him i like him too, so he was like "Wahahahaha, hey everyone, we like each other!!! C'mon tease us!!! Haha, don't worry, wala pong kakalat :D, Sleep tight darling. Ingat ka always. friendly :*"
I asked him if that was by far the best gift he ever received on his 15th bday. He said it was the bestest gift he had. He thanked me and wished that what i see in him will never change, he wished i wasn't hurt with what he said about Wendy. Never mind that, what's more important that he's here now and more for me, he said. Then he said his good night and Ich habe liebe dich(what i taught him about German back then).
The next day was our two day camping in school. It was a perfect chance for me to experience unusual things like staying overnight in school, seeing what my schoolmates look like when they're in their jammies, asleep or newly awake. When you're camping, you need to be in full alert, your mind should work harder as if you're slaving away in tons of assignments and you need speed and stamina in order to be able to lead your group to success. Sadly, i was heartbroken that's why i never got to display my full potential in camp. It was as terrible as the DLSUCET, i was out of condition but i need to show to my groupmates Kassel, Elyzza, Twinkle, Letlet, Fatima and Zharina that i am cooperative and im willing to do whatever they want me to do- even throw a little bit of trash or guard the chopped veggies in the kitchen as they cook our food- and never let my group down with my wrongdoings. (anyway, i hate working in teams because leaders tend to give me the smallest assignments and in the end they betray me with claiming that i didn't worked much even though i done my job. ;-;)
Anyway back to our topic about Xurt, i was expecting to find Wendy in school but she didn't show up. I had this urge to talk to her, a maddening nag in my head to ask her about Xurt- what she thinks of so far about him and what do they talk about. I also wanted to confirm about Gt's bestfriendly advice to me- "He's just telling you that he loves Wendy romantically so he'll know how you'll react."- If Wendy said that they're just talking about trivial, non-romance stuffs, then Gt is right. But if it's the other way around, then i'll be dead. My groupmates Kassel and Twinkle(both are my good friends as well) noticed that im so different, my head is blank, i look so forlorn and often stressed out. They asked me why and i told them about it. Kassel said that i assumed too much from Xurt, Twinkle said that im definately heartbroken. I told about my misery to sir Ernest and then he grieved with me(I called sir Ernest sir Mañucat-some thing that Xurt and some Lipa people affectionately call him-, while he ditched the "Chenes" with Xurt- a little roleplay hehehehe) little did i know that he will betray my depression and tell it later on to Xurt.
After the camping, Xurt texted me, telling me to get some cutie rest. Next afternoon, Xurt texted me again. He told me that he got to hang out with sir Mañucat because of their swimming lessons and he told him that i was jealous because of Wendy. Xurt told me that i shouldn't be jealous with Wendy. Im also cute, he added. Then i confessed that i was jealous, and guilty of it!!
He then asked me why do i have to be guilty to be jealous? He's not mad, he's actually happy coz i really love him, he meant i was jealous cuz i want him to appreciate me more. I said yes, i was jealous coz i want him to appreciate me more. Actually i was jealous because i don't see anything that makes Wendy stands out more that i. She isn't intelligent, she lacks concentration, she's shabby looking, corny, petite, shy, a jejemon and she even had a deformed finger on her left hand... in short, she's nothing beyond pretty. Of all the girls in the world, why Wendy??... my head asked Xurt. Besides, Wendy is already happy with claiming that she's the wife of Kim Bum or Joshua Dionesio, depending on her mood(dalawa ang asawa ni Wendy). I remember that not long ago, Jonathan, Mark and i used to call her "Cholo"(Joshua Dionesio in Stairway to Heaven).
Then my head began to scream, Why can't Xurt see what's more of me?? He just looks at Wendy and never realized that there are girls much better than her who sees him and loves(not really but kinda...-lol) him a lot.
Then he asked me if i love him with love that i want to be with him forever. I said no. No because i couldn't see myself being with him until i die. Parang ang weird kasi, i only know him for two years, he disappeared for a long time most of those years and then he emerged back as a kind of admirer to me. I do had a crush on him but it's not love that is deep enough to want him forever... at least not yet. We're too young to know and to be sure. We're only teenagers curious about how love goes and all those things adults talk about when we were kids. If i were on the stage of ate Ash(early 20s) then i would surely know if it's true love or not.
Then Xurt replied back in a flash, with a reply as if he was sure with what he said, as if he knew it was really it. Something much, more worse than Bill Kaulitz telling everyone he wanted to have a girlfriend and all the Bill Kaulitz girlfriend rumors on earth(yung kina Heather Chase, Ilayda Gecim, Siobhan, Severine, Nathalie B, Messalina, Kim Paradise, Tokiohotelmistress at kung sino sino pang mga tinamaan ng kulog) combined.
"Ohh, ok. Now i get it. But why do you want me to appreciate you more and why are you jealous with Wendy? Wendy is the one i want to be with. Get it?? :D No hard feelings :)"
My heart shattered like glass when my eyes fell on the message. The song being played from the itunes was "Empire state of mind", but my own state of mind wasn't all but grand unlike the song. My state of mind shifted from happy, sunny and full of thorn-less roses into something as melancholic and nocturnal as the music video of 1000 meere. Everything seemed to be dark, so cold(even though it's sweltering hot actually), moribund and full of dementors. Everything to me seemed hopelessly dead, especially my heart.
Then he told me, don't be too jealous to Wendy because we're still under puppy love. He wants to be with Wendz for life, don't feel so badly about it. As tears fell painfully from my eyes like acid raindrops from the sky, i warned him that Wendy might or might not be the girl for him. Who knows there is something in her that he will hate or what. According to my best friends Jonathan and Mark(they were surprised when i broke in the news to them that i had a crush on Xurt but Xurt loves Wendy a few days after the camping, after all those times we were looking at him so badly), Wendy looks more like Xurt's daughter than lover if ever they become together, compared to ...uhm, me (hahahahahahaha)... i would look like someone who shares the same age as him. But still Xurt told me that he knows it(but not Jonathan and Mark's opinion, hehe) but he wants to try his luck and chance at her. We're both cute after all, but she's the real girl who i thinki can love. He asked please dont feel really jealous. But by then, i was so full of jealousy and animosity at Wendy. I feel like she stole my Harry Potter pillow and kept it for herself.
To Xurt, i was like "Oh God, i wish you could see me now". He never knew that there was someone better than his Wendy or if it's really true love or just infatuation, only stronger than his infatuation with me.
Then Xurt noticed(how the hell did that boy noticed how i felt through text??) that i am unhappy. He asked me to tell what i really feel, he won't hurt me(but he already is!!!! lol...). He's just telling the facts about us, im his crush just like puppy love but for Wendy it's different. I lied to him that i was unhappy because i am already contemplating about college. Thank goodness, he believed and told me that things get more serious in college.
The next few days was filled with talks about graduation, recognition and the chance to see each other again. Then Xurt found out that Elyzza found out that he has a crush on Wendy, again i admitted that i told her, i did it because (of course, Elyzza's my groupmate and she knew how i went during the camping... i did more trouble than good) she noticed i wasn't doing so well. He said that he thought he's dead to Wendy, he'll be more hopeless to her. He isn't mad at me at all, i shouldn't feel guilty. Who knows baka mas lumapit sya sa kanya. He just wished that Wendy isn't like Keith. He just wished that secret isn't that much known(if only he knew that all my friends and classmates and even my sister knew about it, hahahahahaha).
Turning to the recognition topic, he asked me if im coming to the SPC's recog because he's planning to go with CJ not only because to see Wendy. He'll go if i'll be coming over the recognition. Then he sent me the first verse and the chorus of "Baby can i hold you"(by Boyzone), he told me that that song is so beautiful. "Good night to you, my darling. Sleep tight. Sugary dreams. Let's try to have good dreams. tc. B-)"
Two days later, Xurt took some pics of himself wearing glasses, made an album on facebook and named it "Request ni Ate IRISH!". I never requested anything from him, i just told him that he looks so awesome with glasses. I was a bit touched and flattered with he did. None of my crushes ever did something so sweet for me. Like Bill Kaulitz will never take photos of himself
wearing his old visual kei style, post it on his facebook(as if he had a facebook) on an album that says "Irish's request". I told him that it was "Sehr gut" and he told me that it was really meant for me. He asked for my reaction, i told him that he was so cute. Then i told him that i had a nightmare, i was about to jump off a building(ala Spring Nicht) but then some guy pulled me away(and it was Bill Kaulitz!!!). He asked me why such dream for a nice and cute girl like me? and who is this "lucky guy"? He wished he was that guy(hah, as if!!! =p)... then he found out that i answered something on facebook that asks who is Wendy's special guy and i answered "Xurt...."
Then i admit and called myself a bitch since i am so jealous at Wendy. Then he said that he's not angry, and don't ever call myself a bitch. He asked me why am i jealous even though we're still udner puppy love?? Ano ba ang meron kay Wendy(ewan ko sa kanya)? He also reminded me when Abby asked him whom he like better (between me and Wendy), he never answered but he told me he would pick me. We're just puppy love, he wants true love from Wendy. I said sorry and he accepted my apology. He knew me longer than he knew Wendy, and he's closer to me, basta friendly and puppy love kami, then he told me "ich habe liebe dich". Then in the next text he asked me if im at home already, don't be jealous and we're done about it. Im one of his good buddies and he asked me if the SPC recognition starts at 2 PM. Then some hours later, i asked him when is their recognition(because he told me earlier that he might not come to the SPC's recognition) and he replied it's on april 5 and added that i should take my dinner. Then a plan popped in my mind, maybe i should tag along with ate Kim(since she'll be the guest speaker for Lipa) so i can see him. Then Xurt told me that he'll do his best to let ate Kim tag me along with her. Then our topic shifted to Keith, in which he teased me why am i still running after Keith even though there's always him?? Then i told Xurt, i might possibly come... if i didn't give dad a really bad time. Then he said "good luck with that" and he said he kinda like me too. He mean he has a crush on me because of the personality i showed unto him. That's why he wants to know me more.
After the recognition of the San Pablo people, i went to my classroom and packed all my things and took them home. One of those things is my copy of El Filibusterismo, which was then a reminder of all the novelty my classmates and i had during the past year. I flipped through the pages, hoping to recall the funny stuffs that was the produce of Dean's stupidity. But instead, the character whom i used to find so stupid, Isagani, caught my attention. Why he caught my attention would take another post to explain it all.
Then on my grad night, Xurt texted me his heartfelt congratulations. Then i told him i might go to his recognition coz i miss him so much. Then he told me there are only two girls in this world who told him that she misses him. One of them is (certainly) me and he let me guess who is the other one. I replied "...Wendy??", and he said Wendy is far from reality. He then revealed the answer, which is Kimberly Macalalad, the girl who was Geelo's partner last JS(and who got a slight crush on Xurt). He said that he knew her since he was in first year and she also told Xurt "ILY"- which i don't give a damn anyway. Xurt told me that he just sees her as a friend only, besides im cute, pretty, nice, kind, caring, affectionate and lovable. Then he asked me again if i'll be coming on their recognition. I told him, that he'll see... (which gives off an air of mystery)
A few days later, he asked me if i already got my first kiss. Of course, i never had so i told him "nah". He said he never had also. Then i asked him about the details of the recognition(time and place), and then i recalled the moment when i read about El Fili, related with Isagani's misery and asked Xurt about El Fili. He said he never read that book, only Noli me Tangere. They were in third year, remember??
Then the day before i was scheduled to go to Lipa, Xurt was so excited about my anticipated visit that he even tried to call me while i was still in the shower-lol. He told me that he will be very sad if i won't come. Later that night, he said "Nightie-night, cute chenes. I guess today wasn't as good as what you expected. Anyways, sweet dreams mein liebling. Bukas nalang po 2:30 pm. See ya!! I love the way you love me. ;)"
Then april 5 came and it was a really, sunny(and sweaty) day. When i went down the autosupply, everything around me became so high-strung. I still have to nag T.Felda for my report card(since i needed it so badly for Ateneo) and i still have to look for a place to live in Katipunan. This day should be the day to forget my tension. To make my dad let me go to Lipa, i went down to our Autosupply earlier than usual and told dad that i need to be in Lipa at around 3 pm(so that dad will not think it's too early) .
But unfortunately, dad went down the autosupply at 3:30 (Omg...) and he went outside to get the car(Oh my gulay, why????). By then, Xurt tried to call me for the 4th time today. So everything around me became so constricted and frantic. To top it all off, my sister went to nag me about T.Felda as well as Mamay(who mentioned once that a cousin of his from Ateneo lives in a townhouse near the school), both of which were hard to talk to. While dad was outside to get the car, i was in the hot, humid autosupply, texting away t.Felda for my report card, attempting to call Mamay, withstanding my sister's irksome reminders and assuring an anxiously worried Xurt that i will come.
Then i finally arrived in the City Hall of Lipa after getting lost around Lipa and all with my sis. I arrived at around 4:30 or 5 something. As i entered the City Hall, i felt so paralyzed. Like i was aware that im about to die when i meet Xurt. While i climbed up the stairs, i began to think about a small Chinese lapida on the columbarium in Tseung Kwan O. It has a black and white picture of me(sporting a Bill Kaulitz look), some words written in Chinese and some maliliit like my Harry Potter toys and some cute, little food toys. Okay, so much for that. I entered a kind of auditorium, with loads of Lipa peeps around- even alumni like Kenneth(my js dance partner last year) and Tijae Tuazon. I was like..."So this is how Lipaers do their recognition days.". While I was hanging around with Gt-who was there because Ah Okay Keith is the guest speaker- Xurt suddenly popped out of nowhere behind me. He looked so handsome in his type A Boyscout uniform. If you lsaw me with Xurt during that time, you would describe us as "Some plain boyscout guy dating a weird, Bill Kaulitz-looking something".
Then we took a seat in a corner of the auditorium and we started to talk. There, we talked about our dreams in life, college, Ateneo, AMA, Wendy, Hong Kong, German, his dad, Abby, Karlo (di si Kuya Karlo)Matira, Winx Club(??? tang inang Winx Club na yan) and some other things. He told me that his dad never greeted him Happy birthday and treated him like scheisse on his birthday. Then he said that Karlo Matira had a huge crush on Abby(buti pa si Karlo, mas may magandang taste pa kesa sa kanya =p) and they plan to go to San Pablo one day and visit Abby and Wendy. Of course i was a bit sad because he never said he's going to visit me in San Pablo, but i knew he will. He asked me where in San Pablo i live and i told him in M.Paulino street, which is near the public market. In between talks, he goes on stage to receive his awards- i was so impressed that he won first place in both SPF English and Filipino versions as well as Speller of the Year(like me).
After some time, ate Ash told me that it's getting late so i have to leave the recognition. So i regretfully left Xurt. I stood up from my seat, hugged him(rather quite awkward) and expected to leave him there and walk alone downstairs. But he stood from his seat as well and went with me. "Time flies when we're having fun, don't you think?" i winked at him as we descended from the stairs of Lipa City Hall. When i saw my sister, i bid Xurt goodbye and gave him a hug again. This time, it was better and much longer. Then CJ Recto joined us and then i left them.
For me, the Lipa recognition was very light and very awesome indeed, something that made me a bit happy. The reason why i went there because of Xurt and a chance to escape the tindahan for a while(something that dad really condemn-lol). For Xurt, his recognition was something boring until i came along like a light in a dark tunnel.
Later that night, he told me that it was a very good day for him. He had been with a very sweet girl today. And someone who's very, very lovable, just gave him his first hug.
Then he asked me if i had my first hug. Uhh... okay, as if it was a huge, big deal. I have hugged a lot of guys before and it was no big deal for me, but for poor Xurt, it was his first time to be hugged by a girl. I was the first girl who gave him a hug and he thanked me for it and told me it was really sweet. He was shocked with my first hug(the awkward one) but thankfully no one saw it or else people will tease us. I told him the reason why i hugged him upstairs is that i don't think he'll escort me to my sister. He was planning to ask me for another hug when we got down but i gave him another one. He said that we made ourselves so happy. It's been a long time since he's been looking for his first hug and it was me all along. "expect the unexpected..." he quoted, i told him that Gt was my first hug with a guy(in Montessori. Kala daw ni Xurt kung sinong tinamaan ng kulog pa yun), then he mentioned that Cj has a huge liking on my sis. Hah, as if ate Ash will date someone whose name is the same with her ex. I gave Xurt the sweetest hug ever. He said that the lyrics to a song "and you'll never live until you love with all your heart and soul." is true. He then went on basta ingit lang talaga sila. Then the days went on and he couldn't get over my hug. He said that his eyes popped out when i first hugged him, then the second was very, very light. He was like "Good times last forever, i'll keep my heart with yours" and i swooned. We both complained to each other that our summer is a bit boring. He said that it would be better if im with him during those times, i couldn't disagree with him since im also thinking the same.
Then there was a girl called Kimberly Macalalad(who was Geelo's cousin). She had a huge crush on Xurt and after the graduation, she heard that i hugged him, causing her some pain in her heart. she was insanely jealous of me but she couldn't do anything to me. When she and Xurt talked about me, she was like "thanks sa pagiingit, good luck sa panliligaw sa kanya and such". Xurt couldn't understand why is she jealous of me. He kinda noticed that she got a crush on him since she always call him "Sweetheart" or "baby". Well i kinda understand her, especially in the coming, much more painful days that eventually came.
Some days after the recognition, Xurt went to tell me something about Wendy while i was eating in Max's with my dad and some of my cousins. He told me that Wendy sent a GM to him: if someone guessed what color is he/she wearing, then he/she would be his/her ture love. Tama ang hula nya kay Xurt pero mali naman sya. I told him that he must be in bad luck, then he agreed maybe it's bad luck but then again, he said that next school year, he and Karlo planned to go on the San Pablo graduation and there they'll gonna do their tactics.
From there, tears fell from my eyes but still i tried to pull myself together... he's in love, who am i to stop him from doing what he wants?? i told him that they got loads of other opportunities to woo out their sweeties- intams and most notably, retreat. Then Xurt asked me what if Karlo was teamed up with Wendy and he was teamed up with Abby instead? He will laugh, he said. Karlo was the best dude he ever met. When i couldn't stop the painful tears falling, i excused myself to the bathroom and there i went, to relieve myself, not urinally, but emotionally. I remember sobbing on a bathroom stall like Moaning Myrtle. Then out of the blue, i picked up a pen and my El Filibusterismo english version from my bag and started scribbling some random poem lines. I ended up writing a poem and got to finished it when i got home. It was a poem of melancholy and love rejected.
Even with writing a poem, i still couldn't let go of my pain completely. Even if we tried to diss out Keith Coral, i still couldn't forget the pain because either i'll remember what Xurt said about Wendy or Xurt will talk about her. Eventually, Wendy began to hurt me as well. She began to praise Xurt for being kind, almost perfect. I remember that was some hours before her birthday, and Xurt told me that he will try and make Wendy's bday a special day(to the point he stopped texting me for two days and had me whimpering in agony everywhere even on the autosupply shop).
But still, he was still showering me some sweet affection as if im the only girl he really liked. Xurt call me things like Darling, ate Chenes (kong cute) and some other. One time, he told me about what Wendy often call him, "Kuya Xurt ni Irish". He sends me quotes like "A pillow is like a friend. You can hug it when you're in trouble, u can cry on it when youre sad, u can embrace it when ur happyand you can kiss it when youre in love. I wish pillow mo nalang ako. hahahahahhaha. (in the end:
For him, a crush is more than a friend. He told me that im such an adorable Chinese- with my cute eyes, fair skin and wonderful bangs. He then confided to me that he thinks Keith is a douche and a gay coz he avoided me(not so gentlemanly) and frowned at me. If he was in Keith's place, he will never do that(and he will be heartbroken if Wendy was like Keith to him). Then on went the days when we were just only talking about other things like Tokio Hotel(he said he will download some TH songs so he'll get some new music on his mp3 player),Amber Pacific(his faves are if i fall, cant hold back) and our best friends. For him, i was someone who's super kind, supportive and a shoulder to lean on when he's sad.He's so lucky to have found a rare girl like me.
Then I remember Xurt told me that he had a nightmare one night about being in a swimming party. I was there, wearing a blue tshirt, talking to Gt and ignoring him. Then he felt sad because i was ignoring him. He must've been a seer- for he was a bit able to see premonitions that i will eventually feel for him. In his dreams, me wearing a blue tshirt and ignoring him surely signify my hidden desire to leave him out of my life when i reach college days. Then his other premonition was that he flirtingly asked me last recognition if my name was there in the Ave of the Stars in Tsim Sha Tsui(i told him to go there since i know he's a Jackie Chan fan). Little did i know that the poor, little boyscout who asked will eventually make me become Maggie Cheung, my fave Hong Kong actress whose name and handprints are on the famed avenue.
"bakit? nandun po ba kayo?" is a prophesy... Maggie Cheung, not only the actress who shared the same size of my hands. Isagani isn't a young Chinese woman, at least one of Maggie Cheung's many roles is one.
How did i become Maggie Cheung? simple. In 1990, Maggie Cheung was in a movie called "Days of being wild" by Wong Kar-Wai. The story revolves around a Filipino guy in Hong Kong called Yuddy who was raised by a Hong Kongian hooker. He seduced a shy, young Chinese woman called Su Li Zhen but he left her for a agogo dancer called Lulu(who was more like Yuddy's type). then he broke the heart of Lulu as well-i dunno why. Then the reason why he was a heartbreaker is that because he was lost to himself and he wants to know who his real mother is. Then he got to know from his adopted mother that his real mother was a rich Filipina and so he went off to the Philippines but he died there. Maggie Cheung played Su Li Zhen, the unfortunate Chinese who was left distraught by a Filipino guy. It was shown in the movie that after Yuddy left Li Zhen, Li Zhen was crying herself to sleep and couldn't think straight- much like me everytime Xurt talks about Wendy. Also, Li Zhen had a confidante who knew and comforted her about Yuddy. I, too, had a confidante during those miserable times. But unlike Li Zhen, this brought me into much trouble with my Ah Fei(Xurt my Yuddy, not my Jamie Wong).
Cj Recto was Xurt's evil classmate and "friend", remember that bloke? Anyway, i told Cj about my situation with Xurt one night when i was having one of my random, miserable spells of melancholy. Then i thought he would diss out on Xurt but i was wrong. He said that Xurt is hurting me like hell, with pain that is worse than being bitten by a lion or an elephant. I was like Xurt's pedestal when he is miserable about Wendy. I was his shoulder to cry on, and after being okay, he'll leave me alone. Then into the blue, i often end up as the sobbing, miserable, brokenhearted girl. Cj said he would wipe the tears off my face and comfort me if he was beside me. If he was Xurt, he wouldn't pick Wendy at all, he would pick me. I told Cj to keep this a secret to Xurt coz i want Xurt to know about this at the right time. Then Cj advised me not to keep this a secret from him, because it's better to say it straight to him now than hide the scar and deepen the pain. I listened to Cj, but i did not want to tell Xurt directly about it. I want Xurt to notice so he won't be surprised at all when i get all the guts to tell him. But still, i should've took Cj's whole advice.
Two days after Wendy's birthday, he texted me again after for what it seemed like years of not talking to me. He told me that I was the only girl who's very, very close to him yet. That's the reason why he likes me, im so tight with him. when he's with me, he feels like he's floating in the air. I make him laugh and smile. Im so sweet with him. Then i told him that i enjoy being with him. Then he asked how can we enjoy being with each other if we only met thrice? Then he said that if im his neighbor, then we would often get ant infestations. I asked him naively "Lumang Lipa got a lot of ants?? then it's a bit like Tagaytay..."(but i know that's not it).Then he explained, if we were neighbors, we're too sweet with each other that there'll always be an ant infestation in Lipa. Then here, he began to notice something wrong in me. He felt like my tone became a bit colder as if im not in a good mood to talk to him. He told me to tell it to him what bothers me because he's my friend. I shrugged it off and he asked me if im sure(was it a school problem, love life or any other), and i told him that im sure(even though im not). Then he was like "Ah okay..."(but not in a Keith Coral-ish way but more like Dee-Dee in Dexter's lab) and then he concluded that he's the one who's acting weird. I asked him where did he grew up, he said in Manila but he currently lives in Lipa. Then he asked me where i live in SPC. After answering that, i asked him where in Manila he once lived. His reply was in Blumentritt st, Dinalupihan st and Pampanga st. (so he's from Sampaloc- very "near" Loyola Heights!!!), he wasn't a true blue Lipaer but he lives in Lipa for 5 years already. Then i told him that i once thought what if he really came from Loyola Heights or Marikina (the former where im going to move in this june).
Then he told me that he planned to visit me in Loyola Heights when he's in college, he really missed talking to me. Then after that, he told me to "meme na" and take care.
Thursday came and he was running out of load, that's when i came to know that his favorite food is siu mai.
"i don't know why they call it heartbreak, but it feels like every part of my body is broken too." said the first part of Xurt's message and then he was "naghahamon ng katext na Chenes" at that time. I was feeling incorrigible(and probably suffering PMS) so i thought it was the perfect time to imply my misery. Who knows this might slip into his mind easier since we're on the same boat. I told him that what he said is true, for him everything malfunction and mangangalas lahat. At first he thought i was thinking about Keith again.Every time he thinks about Joshua Dionesio, it makes him feel depressed. I told him only one of his friends knew about it(he thought it was Angelou or Geelo-nope). Then we talked about his mom's dress(that i saw in one of her old pictures on fb- we're wearing the same dress) and the guy who was dancing with her(who looks like Xurt's dad). Xurt said that means i dress so simply if i dress like his mom. He doesn't want a style too flamboyant or OA. Then he told me that he's so much naaadik na kay Wendy that even his wallpaper is a photo of her(that lucky bitch... i cursed in my head as some tears fell from my eyes again), then he guessed that it was Dale or Karlo who knew(again no). Then he guessed that it was Cj all right who knew about my problem. He didn't expect that it was him because they weren't that much close with each other. He's just riding along his attitude.
I asked him if i made him feel so bad about it, he said nothing made him feel bad about me except when he judged my friends(Jonathan, Mark and Marlon) and misunderstood each other. He said the reason why he texted me so we'll have excitement and some happiness. Then i told him that my friends already forgave him(except Marlon perhaps) and they even tease me about you. Then he sent me a message by Karlo "IRISH DIAZ HA HA" and he told me that he replied back to him "ABBY MATIRA haha", he was glad that my friends forgave him already and makulit din pala sila. I said yes, and i also told him the "What if Xurt became the president of the Philippines" joke made by Jonathan and Mark as an example of their wittiness. Xurt LOLed and said it's okay just as long as only Jonathan, Mark and i know about it. Then he told me that the only stuff he knew about China is that one child policy, great wall, Confucianism and history.
Then i told him that i feel heartbroken too, and i told him my story but it doesn't indirectly say that the guy i was talking about was him. I asked him how will i treat the guy who broke my heart. He said i might treat him as a lower friend because of all the stuff he did to me. Ang sakit nga ng ganun, parang jealous ako(buti nga alam mo, bruha ka). He told me don't feel upset coz he also feels jealousy as well.
The following sunday, i woke up with a message from Xurt, asking me who broke my heart(he wanted to get this over with). I would eventually meet the real Xurt.
It was a day i will never forget about Xurt, the day his kind and caring self became cold and somewhat ruthless. Something that i really regret making him feel. He went berserk and told me things like he entrusted me his secret as well as Karlo's and they were top secret. He told me what kind of a person Cj is and in return i teamed up with him. When he told me that, i knew he was right. I betrayed the trust he gave me and all the guilt seemed to creep up on me. My conscience began to nag me hard and i couldn't be put into peace. As if i was suffering too much pain, the only way to stop the pain is to kill another person, the pain stopped after killing a person and there you have it, tons of guilt. During those times i was trying to defend what i did, i cried so much to the point my sister and some other people noticed it. I told him that the guy could possibly be him and he said that it would hurt him for real. Then i told him the truth, the whole truth and said sorry. I was sobbing so hard, it was really painful because i would get someone who's so kind and wonderful like Xurt hurt. Deep inside me, i shouted "Let him get hurt, he put me into this in the first place. Let karma do its thing" but much deeper inside me, i cried "Nooo, he's a really good friend and it would hurt me more if i hurt him".
Then he replied with something that seemed to signal as the end of our friendship, "You really should be sorry, u know why??!! i was hurt too!! knowing that the guy is me!!" All my guilt is equated with the tears that fell from my eyes that day, it was too much that it flooded the whole M Paulino like Ondoy came again. I decided to remain speechless, i couldnt think of anything to say and thought "... oh dear, this could be the end." I wasn't planning to talk to Xurt ever again nor expecting him to reply back, until some 10 minutes later, he said sorry too for his hurtful words. He was like we already talked about this Wendy issue before- we're only just puppy love. He was hurt too when he knew that the guy was him. So i was like, maybe i should talk to him again to clear things up, if he wanted me to go away, it's okay. If he still wanted to be friends with me, the better(probably). Thank goodness, it was the latter. Our friendship wasn't destroyed, it just got a small hole. Then he went on Cj was right, don't be afraid to let out the truth coz it's the best way to get better. Grabe, ang sakit ng naramdaman nya. He thought we might hate each other forever but i made things right(i explained some things from him yata), i was an unforgettable friend for him. He asked me if Cj knew that Xurt got a crush on Wendy, i said yes(AT LEAST I DIDN'T LIE, FILIBUSTER!!! >=P). Then he got a little bit angry, he chided "we just misunderstood each other again, ang tip ko po learn to keep secrets", he went on revealing his secrets breaks his trust. If only he knew what drove me into betraying him. If only i knew what my impulsiveness could lead me into. Then i told him my side, why i did it(of course, there's a reason behind everything we do). Then he understood my point and it makes sense. Now he cannot imagine showing his face to Cj or me. He felt like he's greedy, pathetic, fool, a bitch(he's not a girl), makapal ang mukha, ewan ko ba(according to him). I told him not to feel that bad about himself, everyone makes mistakes. Then he was like everyone makes mistakes, except for me because i always make mistakes. He was glad that nagkakaalaman na kami. He understood true peace now he understood true pain. I told him to keep his mind off that by doing fun things, but he went on "i can't do fun things right now. My dad is here. You know what, i fee; like i do not deserve to text you. Mahiyain po ako, kya eto super hiya na ako sa sarili ko."
Then later that night, Xurt rang and i answered my phone. He gave me some bits of sermon, he told me that it's better if i told him my pain directly instead of hiding it. And why he told me that he feels like a fool, pathetic, bitch(i told him he'll never be one coz he's a guy, duh) is that because he began to feel like he's becoming like his awful dad. He told me that his dad's a womanizer and he doesn't want to become like that. It's bringing his family into misery.
Speaking of dads and families, when my dad knew that i was heartbroken, he gave me a crappy sermon about dating and marriage. He told me that my rockin' sense of style turns off guys(wtf??) and he wished me to get married to a Chinese guy someday-if ever i'll get married. He'll make me find a guy using the traditional Chinese way of dating(i forgot the name of that Chinese tradition). Even though dad loves me a lot that's why he wants that for me, it's still weird since dad should not interfere completely with choosing my love. On these kinds of stuff, i should be the only one who should pick who i wanted to be with in life because im the only one who knew myself best. And why did dad marry mom if he wanted me to marry a Chinese only. How would he feel if my evil ahma or my wonderful angkong or both of them deprived him from marrying mom because she's a Filipino?
Then my yaya told me that my heart ache will soon get away, and then my ate Ash told me to look into Xurt's side of the story and analyze it all so i'll get more open minded. She said i should accept this with an open mind(understand what the other also thinks and why he thinks like that) and think Xurt will be okay even if i leave him.
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