Saturday, November 28, 2009

El Filibusterismo- a crazy twist by the fourth years

My class' crazy version of Jose Rizal's famous El Filibusterismo... (mostly Dean, Gt and mine's version-lol) I hope no one will bash about it. Reading El Filibusterismo is part of the Philippine highschool curriculum, so every senior highschool student in the Philippines should study about Jose Rizal's famous, awe-inspiring historical novel. Im sure that some students may find reading that novel as boring and useless but if they're blessed with absurd thinking classmates, they might find the story filled with weird settings, crazy events and a rather colorful cast like corny stuffs, people dying from drinking too much coffee, Corazon Aquino, UPLB, Francis M, Craig David, Tokio Hotel planning to invade the Philippines literally, old men learning how to dance ballet, the Kapitan Heneral kidnapped by UST students, people being arrested for driving their calesas in Makati when their calesas are coding and After-British-rule-Hong Kong pop culture.

Once upon a time, there was a very corny streamer called "Tabo" making it's way slowly among the murky Laguna de Bay(that is full of mermen and gillyweeds). There was mud, bamboos and Bamboo singing "Yo tell me what you want..." in the banks of the bay as the streamer passes by. In the upper deck of the streamer are Spaniards and Spaniard-Spaniardans talking about Spanish stuffs, Rommjan Mendoza and a certain "Rey Mysterio" called Simoun. Primadonna Dona Victorina was pissed off with the old, merry indios around the lake and the skipper shouting "Baporps" and "Estaborps". On the lower deck are passengers like Indios and sleeping Cheneses. Among them are Basilio- my Atenista best friend from the mental hospital and Isagani- who had a crush of Phoebe's ex's girlfriend. Those guys were talking about putting up a Spanish school. Basilio is on his way to go home to his hometown Jerusalem. In the Noche Buena of Ashton Kutchero, he was beaten up by some Bashi-bazouks while Kevin just looks at him tearfully.
Then Basilio snuck down from the house in which he was staying at and into the woods where his mental mom Sisa was buried. There he met "Papa Piolo" Simoun, whom Basilio quickly recognizes as Crisostomo Ibarra.
On Christmas time, Basilio's gf Juli woke up with a start and snogged the emerald locket Basi gave her. The locket once belonged to Salazar Slytherin, then to the basilisk who lives in a secretive chamber of deputies in France, then to Maria Clara after defeating the monster on a French Riviera vacation with Ibarra 13 years back, then to a beggar/gigolo called Nicholas Toussant, then to Basilio as payment for curing his syphilis. Her dad Kabesang Tales who had a really hard time with the Prayle corporation. The Prayle corp. are trying to confiscate Kabesang Tales' land in which he, his zombie wife, his zombie eldest daughter, Juli, Tano, Old Tata Selo ( not GT's little sis, okay?? she doesn't even exist during Rizal's time) and some gang of Amishes worked hard and partied like in 1699. Then Kabesang Tales got kidnapped by a gang of communists because... well, he is a rich capitalist who invest in the London, New York, Frankfurt, Hong Kong, Tokyo and Singapore stock exchange. The communists are asking Juli for $ 500,000,000,000,000,000 and some bags of Cheezee and Clover to eat. Having none of these ready, she went to work as a maid for Corazon Aquino aka Hermana Penchang. One day, Tata Selo suffered a stroke after a ballet practice and then he lost his voice. Then Juli finally paid off the communists and set dad free.
One day, Kabesang Tales got mad at the friars to the point he stole Simoun's revolver and exchanged it with Juli's locket(which has so much sentimental value for Simoun aka Ibarra) and ironically, joined the NPAs who kidnapped him- Stockholm Syndrome much??
Then in Los Banos, the Governor General and his homies were hunting some deers and UP students as they talked about the Spanish school thing kids like Basilio were talking about, Jesuit priests and sore eyes.
Meanwhile, in faraway UST in Espania, Sampaloc Manila, UST law student Placido Penintente was having a really hard time with his Physics professor Padre Millon because Millon wasn't a licensed teacher (Okay, try finding Millon in the list of licensed teachers in PRC). Then it was mentioned that 19th century Atenistas hastily walk around wearing European clothes like H&M, Christian Audigier, Tazuma, Marks and Spensers, Topshop, Zara, Mango and Chanel with a pile of books on their arms like Hermione Granger, while Letraners walk around with fewer books and they were wearing Pinoy mainstream clothes like Bench, Penshoppe, Human, those big "Three stars and a sun" tshirts, i heart Ninoy tshirts, Cory ribbons and banana peel slippers. Then there are also plans to erect a statue of a well-loved UST Prof(i hope it's sir Nyeh Nyeh aka sir Nick) to rival "Avatar-Benavides".
In UST, students arent allowed to touch scientific apparatus so UST sucks back then.
In Macaraig(the guy who sang Insomia)'s Xavierville town house was full of boarding Atenist students who spend much time doing homework(as usual), play fencing, basketball and hitting Chinese vendors who can't set up a Shakeys, Starbucks or Macdonalds franchise near Ateneo back then. Here, we meet Sandoval, the Spanish thespian who loves everything Filipino and Pecson, the guy who says "No to drugs". In Macaraig's home, all the guys who wanted to set up a school for the Spanish language meet up and talk about their plans. They need to bribe Don Custody or Ginoong Pasta so their Spanish school will be approved. The bribes that they will be using are hookers from Amsterdam and Las Vegas. Sadly, both failed.
Meanwhile, the Chenes Quiroga who looks a hell like me was having a party in the USA in his house, inviting all the most important poobahs of the land so he can be the consul of China. Quiroga was being emo about losing some 9000 pesoses because he bought some purty bracelets from Simoun and he offered a salamahe lady just one of the bracelets but she got them all. Simoun told the chenes not to fret and he'll pay all the people's debts from him on one condition. The condition is that Quiroganess should allow Simoun to use his warehouse to store his guns, ammo and AKs.
After the party of Quiroga, Ben Zayb and Father Camorra went to the Quiapo fair(aka manghuhula, gayuma, pirated dvd, porn vids, Hayden Kho and eskandalo galore) and they were gawking at the girls out there, they even spotted Paulita Gomez making a grand entrance with an Isagani who seemed to be looking like a Bill Kaulitz strutting around on a Comet awards' red carpet. Thank goodness for them(and for Juanito and Dona Victorina being emo behind them), paparazzis don't exist yet since digicams aren't the in thing yet back then.
Then an American wannabe cholo gangsta mr.Leeds had a magic show which had Dean Villar's talking head(even if he's decapitated, he still talks and talks). Then Padre Salvi fainted and seeing this as an awesome fad to follow, all the ladies in the show also fainted.
Then some boring chapters later, there was a show called Mel and Joey that everyone in Manila wanted to watch. There was a guy called Camaroncocido who was being greeted "Kaibigan..." by
Boy Abunda, then his best friend Francis M came wearing a pair of Levis jeans. Francis M told Camaroncocido that Rizelle gave him a large sum of money for Mel and Joey posters to be posted all over Manila. In the show, Tadeo was showing all his homies from the province how awesome he is in Manila that he even knew the Governor general personally. While hanging out with Macaraig("Insomia, hu-aaaaaah..."), Isagani spotted Paulita from a distance dating Juanito Pelaez and with Dona Victorina as chaperon. Isagani was downtrodden but he recalled poor Don Tiburcio (Madlangtuta), the battered hubby of Dona Victorina who fled and spirited away in UPLB, where he was having a good time as a political activist of the Arroyo regime.
(Then Dean shouted that Tiburcio is hotter than Juanito Pelaez after t. Anna told us that Dona Victorina loves Juanito)
While Isagani is into the blue(and when he lose himself, he thinks of you?? wtf...), Macaraig, Pecson, Sandoval and Tadeo are waiting for the cancan of Julien Jehan. The reason why there are domestic helpers is that because of the domestiques.
(Then Dean told us that in this part Juanito undressed Dona Victorina. yuck, Dean...)
Meanwhile, Juanito was telling Donya Victorina about some French like Servantes(yung mga tulad daw ni Julien).
After that, Maria Clara suddenly died, which thwarted Simoun's plans for a revolution tonight. No, the reason why Simoun wasn't in the play is that because he is the makeup artist of the French actresses.
The next day, Isagani was full of jealousy and anger as he walked through the valley where he harvests his grain. He was sad because of Paulita, he remembers the times when he was with her, when they saw Agua and Bendita. Then he met up with Paulita who confronted him(since she thought last night that Isagani was also waiting for the cancan like Macaraig) and then both forgave each other. Isagani told Paulita to come live with him, Father Florentino and Tiburcio Madlangtuta and be his love in Kowloon Bay, but Paulita told him that she doesnt want to live in an inaccessible place since there's no cheap bus routes there and she doesn't have a passport yet. Isagani told Paulita that there's an MTR station there, but still Paulita doesn't want to.
Then Macaraig(Insomia-aaaaaaaaaah...), Isagani, Pecson, Sandoval, Juanito and some other people went to a Chenes resto where they saw Cyclops and there is a banner on the resto that says "Luwalhati kay Bill Kaulitz dahil sa kanyang ka-ulagaan"
Because of Cyclops, there are posters flying out everywhere in Manila the next day. Basilio, who wasn't in the dinner party, was arrested and Macaraig(Insomia-aaaaah...) laughed a lot as they are both sent to prison. Isagani and Father Fernandez were babbling about something we found boring.
After that, Manila was in chaos. Quiroga became paranoid and he hired a battalion of bodyguards, then Tokio Hotel came in Metro Manila(YEEPEE!!!^^), the Kapitan Heneral was kidnapped by students from UST(see, i told you a lot of UST students are evil like *cough* Keith Coral??), Padre Irene visited Kapitan Tiago, Kapitan Tiago died from drinking too much coffee, Tadeo was shot and Isagani surrendered himself to authorities since he's crazy and a kamanyag is a snake bite.
While Basilio was in prison, Juli asked Hermana Bali-who lives in Bali- for advice since Tata Selo is corny. She had a nightmare of Basilio being AK-ed by Spaniards. Bali told her to go to Camorra, where she was almost raped but she killed herself.
After being released, almost all the students failed their exams. Macaraig(Insomia-aaaaaaaaaahh) went to Europe to start a musical career. Only Isagani and Sandoval passed the exams. Basilio was still in jail coz he possessed the book of everything which the Spaniards banned since it's written in English. Ashton Kutcher was thrown in prison with Basilio because his calesa is coding in Makati. Isagani was dumped by Paulita because he's weird. Paulita will be marrying Juanito off because he's shy, sweet and quiet... just like her. Paulita told Isagani that Juanito is the one she wants to be with, get it?? ;-)
So Isagani cried, cried and cried.
Suddenly, Basilio was set free by Simoun. Basilio now a changed man, joined Simoun, who was planning to blast off Paulita and Juanito's wedding with nitro gliserina(aka pampaputi). Then the wedding day came("Oh hinde..." said Dean). Most of the students went back home and played farmville, while Isagani was nowhere to be seen(Either nasa CR, nasa Cafeworld or tinitingnan ang mga photos ni Paulita sa facebook nya at nag e-emo).
Simoun left the wedding feast and gave a lamp to the couple. The lamp was supposed to set off if it werent for Isagani's epal-ness that he threw the lamp off and jumped in the river.
Then came the chika minute of Ben Zayb, when everyone discovered that Simoun is probably a filibuster like Captain Haddock claimed.
Meanwhile in the Orendas' residence. Isagani was playing with the youngest Orenda girl with sunka, jump ropes, play doh and barbie dolls when the Orendas, Moymoy Palaboy and Chichoy talked about the wedding feast. There was gunpowder all over the place and they revealed that Isagani is Chinese like Quiroga and so does Father Florentino. After that, Isagani bid farewell to the Orendas and went off to Kowloon Bay to live with his uncle and forget all his miseries with history books, watching Old time buddy, Virtues of Harmony 1-kasi ang settings nun ay 15th century- and some childrens' show on TVB, asnwering sudoku on the streets and bottles of Heineken with his uncle(di ba, dun naman talaga yung tito nya nakatira?? yung tito nyang Chenes na mahilig sa Heineken at Doraemon??).
After that, Matanglawin(aka Kabesang Tales or popularly known as Kuya Kim) killed a judge... OMG. Then Tano accidentally killed the corny tata Selo.
Then the "katapusan" came in Kowloon Bay when Father Florentino received a not from Perez Hilton that the Spanish officials are going to his house to capture a disabled Spaniard and have a cup of tea with him. Tiburcio Madlangtuta, thinking he was the disabled Spaniard the Spanish guys were implying that they wanted to capture, fled off the father's house. The disabled Spaniard was in fact Simoun, who was hiding in Florentino's house. Simoun took poison and he told Florention of his secret. He was Crisostomo Ibarra, after a great misfortune in the Philippines, he fled to Cuba(where there are a lot of kubas) and made friends with the Kapitan Heneral and helped him rose into power. Then he inspired corruption in the Philippines(that's why there is corruption in the Philippines) and the rest is history. Simoun died(so Isagani havent saw this coz he's always late, he rode in the Philippine Airlines, there was a huge traffic between Chek Lap Kok and Kowloon Bay or all of the above??) and Father Florentino threw Simoun's riches off the bay, hoping the riches will be for the use of good stuffs instead of evil(but instead it was unearthed by scrupulous, greedy and dirty Chinese jewelers and used them to make fake versions of those and sell them on ebay).

Finished.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Chang Chong Chen

Since i was a little girl, i used to be amazed and inspired by the Belgian cartoonist Herge(Georges Remy)'s famous work The adventures of Tin Tin. Other than reading about how Harry Potter and his friends grew up from mischievous little kids to mature and happy young adults and how they dealt with everything that came in their way, i also leaned on Tin Tin for a dose of adventure and lessons about friendship and hope. Although i was a Sinophobe(which was quite ironic because majority of my blood is Chinese- since my mom is Filipino-Spanish and dad's a full Chinese) back then, my favorites among all the 24 Tin Tin comics are The Blue Lotus, Tin Tin in Tibet, Cigars of the Pharoah and Prisoners of the Sun. The first two had Tin Tin's young loyal Chinese friend Chang Chong Chen in the story.
Chang was quiet, sweet, nice, courageous and very brave- sounds like some freaking Gryffindor. He was an orphan who almost drowned in a flood when the orphanage he lives in was washed away and Tin Tin saved him. Then Tin Tin, Wang Chen Yee and Mrs. Wang were saved from being chopped off by a mad Di Di by Chang's very brave intervention along with Wang Chen Yee's homies. After that Wang Chen Yee adopted Chang and Tin Tin went home to Belgium. Then some time later, Chang went to live in Hong Kong and Wang Chen Yee's brother in London wanted him to live there so Chang sets off to London but the plane he was riding on crashed in the Himalayas. Tin Tin had a dream of him calling for help in Tibet, so he sets off for Kathmandu and then to Tibet after all the beggings and reluctance of Captain Haddock, Tharkey the sherpa and many others. Chang on the other hand, survived the crash but he was taken by the yeti. Good thing, the yeti took care of him and grew very fond. In the end, Tin Tin managed to save Chang from the yeti and then in the Castafiore Emerald, Chang is in London working in his adopted uncle's home. I was a first grader back then and i believed that Shanghai was part of Hong Kong(for some unknown reasons) and Hukow was Macau. The story is set in Shanghai(which i think back then was Hong Kong) and it was near Hukow(in what i heard back then Macau) where Tin Tin first met Chang- so i came to believe that Chang, Wang Chen Yee, Di Di, Mrs. Wang and some other people lives in Hong Kong. Then i got to read(and have my own copy of) Tin Tin in Tibet, where my belief that Chang was a Hong Konger went stronger when it was mentioned Chang is from Hong Kong in the newspaper. There was no youtube back then so i came to believe Chang was a Hong Konger for a long, long time- from elementary to (probably) third year highschool.

Then the years passed by, the Italian Disney comics W.I.T.C.H came and suddenly, my love for Tin Tin went mute and almost forgotten. But there is one thing that Tin Tin strongly influenced my life back then. Being a European lover back then, I used to think that Hong Kong was just like Manila- a polluted and overpopulated city that there's nothing quite special about it. During the days i was a French culture lover(grade 4-5) turned Italian aspirant(grade 6) turned German girl(first year- second year), my only definition of Hong Kong is Chang Chong Chen.
I was fully aware back then that tito John is a Hong Konger and i have Chinese relatives there but for me, Chang was the only awesome person in Hong Kong back then.
Then my way of thinking about Hong Kong changed suddenly. I noticed the people there were like me and Hong Kong is much cleaner, safer and more modern than Manila. Then I came to know that Hong Kong is more than Chang Chong Chen.

Then, after watching again some Tin Tin episodes did i discover that the setting of the Blue Lotus was in Shanghai(the city in China) and Chang(and probably Wang Chen Yee) moved to Hong Kong during the time of Tin Tin in Tibet. But i still regard Chang as a Hong Konger, a very cool one. There are many other awesome Hong Kongers like Jackie Chan, Maggie Cheung Man Yuk, Hawick Lau, Maggie Cheung Ho Yee, Stanley Ho, Donald Tsang, tito John, Shirley Wong, Lily Wong, Rocky Wong, Ah Pong Wong, Kelly Chen, Jade Chan and some others but i still think Chang's the most wicked among them all.