The long, lost friend... and lover (part 3)

"Making the first move to patch things up shouldn't always come from the one one who made the mistake but it can come from the one who understands."
-Jonathan Malabanan (he sent me a message)

Some two weeks after our rift between each other about Wendy and CJ, the coldness between us seemed to melt down and we begin to talk to each other again. At first, some 5 messages every three days or so, then it became 5 every 2 or other day. We talked about our dads, my last name(he said Irish D. Diaz is cool but Irish D.Kaulitz is cooler- aba, himala...) and the JS. He mentioned one time that even if i hurt him, i still have an hectare-like place on his heart and im very special. I told him he was so nice to me, after all the hurt and badness i did to him, he still treats me as if im really something special to him. He explained that i was so kind and so hospitable to him especially during the JS- i said "hi" to him when i was in the jeepney, then i asked him for a picture with me, and most excitingly, i asked him to dance with me- it was so sweet to remember for him. Like he wanted a flashback. I told him that he was so kind to me, to the point he did what other guys never did for me, being so gentlemanly. And when we danced, he was so nice at nakakatuwa sya. Paano ko naman nasabi na nakakatuwa raw syang kasayaw?? for him, nakakabitin talaga akong kasayawone time lang. But he blamed himself and he felt so sad. It must be because i asked him again to dance with me but he refused.
I wonder why we became close again after all the hurt we suffered?
It must be because of the worsening situations of our dads. Both of our dads are the same, like after we follow their whims, abuse our loyalty, they'll blame us for mistakes that they actually made(that we never did), treat their family like vermin, treat other people like they're more special than we are, they treat us as if we're stupid, they use foul language on us, and most of all they keep their private lives a huge secret from us(as if they think we didn't know that they have girlfriends-lol). So we ended up both complaining about our fathers to each other, as well as the atrocities they inflicted upon us.

After some disses about my dad(who was so angry with me and my sis for "destroying" his lite ace for no apparent reason), i told him that after i graduate, i plan to escape my dad. Xurt said that dad was scary na somwhat abusive, so much like his dad. Then he said that after he graduate too he's going to move away from their home. Then he hoped that i'll tell him where i live by that time so he can visit me. Xurt was really so glad that he met someone like me. I said i plan on becoming a history professor but dad egged on me to pursue his dream, BS Management. Then he said, he will start a better family, a better life, better than his family now. He will never be like his dad and that's a promise to himself and to his future children. Then he told me that he thinks i'll be a really good mom. Hahahahaha, as if im gonna be a mom!!!
I never told him this but, im afraid of commitment, more with having to leave kids if i die early like mom. I don't want things to happen to others the way things are happening to my family, especially to my future kids. I don't want to leave a hubby who's weak enough to ruin my bereaved, motherless children's lives. So it's better off not having kids, especially a hubby-lol.
But Xurt said that i should think positive and pray that i'll never end up like mom. Anyway, i asked him how can he tell if im gonna be a better mom. I also added that he looks like he's gonna be an awesome dad. He said that he feels like im gonna be a really good mom and also im really kind and caring. Then i told him that if ever i'll get children, i would prefer only one child. Then Xurt asked me why only one, for him children bring happiness(if you're financially stable and mature enough about life-lol), he wants to have 2 or 3 children- see? one of the things that prove he's a true, blue Filipino. Then i explained the reason why i wanted to have only one child(but i added that two is okay), then he was awestrucked and told me how sweet is that. He wished that he was my son instead so he can feel the tender, loving care of a mother like me. He wanted to have fun with his son and he will not treat him the way his dad treated him. Maybe during that time, he was beginning to think of me as a wonderful mother for his two or three future kids.

While i was on my way home from Manila, Xurt suddenly told me that he missed me so much. Since tomorrow will be the elections(and he knew the joke about him made by me, Jonathan and Mark), i told him that im already packing up all my things so i won't miss my flight to China in case he wins the election. He was like "... what??!! You're leaving for China??!!! Huh?? you're dad's gonna vote for me?? I can't even do things that i cannot promise... when are you coming back to me, este, here in the Philippines??!!". Then i told him that it was only a joke, reminded him that tomorrow will be the elections and i missed him so much. He missed me too badly that he want to squeeze me with his arms.

The next day, things for the two of us began to go uphill. He told me that he got some pics of me on his phone. Then we talked about our dads again. I asked him how his mom handle this very hard and painful situation. He said, for his mom the better revenge for the girl who stole her husband is to let her keep him. I understand the reason behind this. If you let the girl keep your man, then she would have a lot of problems because she doesn't love and accept him truly for what he is, unlike you. Same thing could be said with my dad. Although he's a widower, my mom told me some months before she left that if dad remarries or gets a girlfriend, she will often haunt him and the girl. She seemed to be pretty serious about it.
That night, Xurt asked me if i was playing DOTA when i told him that im on the computer. Then all the DOTA slang came out of my mouth and shocked Xurt. He was like "... how did you know the term Beyond God-like?? I bet you're playing DOTA as well."
I told him no but i learned all those slang from Dean and Julien- who were die hard DOTA players. Then later on Fb, some flabbergasting facts were revealed. Xurt wants to be a graphic artist when he grows up. The reason why xurt loves Wendy coz nung js practice ang sweet talaga ni wendy, shy sya pero confident. Like she wants other people to approach her first. about 70-80% syang sure na love nya sya, muhahahahahahaha. Then i found his reason to be shallow and GT's explanation deep enough. I asked Xurt if he's sure that Wendy really is the one for him,
more so that there are many, many more girls out there better than her(which is true, right??). Then Xurt got mad at me and told me that i was downgrading Wendy too much. Oh cmon, as if it was my fault that Wendy has a weird finger on her left hand and she's poor in academics?? >_<
I didn't replied for a while, i was crying so much on the inside, until i told something to Xurt that kinda went like "i dont want a friend like her to get hurt.", then he said that he regretted talking about Wendy to me because we end up hurting each other again. Then i said "okay, im sorry too" and we became happy again. We then talked about sir Manucat(when i said "Hi Chenes", he replied back "hello mrs.Diaz"- oh fuck, may nahahalataan na ako dito), his dreams(he had a dream one time that he had a Chinese girlfriend who looked like Kim Chiu and he was holding and hugging her tight) and flying, giant mooncakes. Before we signed out, i called him "liebling"(to reciprocate the sweetness he had gave me), he said he was touched and he called me darling once again.

Then a few days later, he told me that i should keep his family problems a secret.Then i told him that this secret will surely be safe since i learned the hard way. He agreed and said that it's wonderful to have someone to lean on his problems, like he wanted to hug someone just to stop a tear from dropping. Then we talked about teachers and classes after i said that our dads are as mean as t.Myn. I told him about the three hour sermons t.Myn gives to everyone after CBA(which causes classes like English or Filipino to be postponed), then in Lipa everyone gets happy when t.Myn destroys some class because this gives them the opportunity to work on their assignments longer(like we are too in the case of sir Manto). CJ would often tease t.Myn behind her back, the way she pronounce "Papa Jesus"("FAFA JEZEZ") which gave the Lipaers lots of LULz. Then he asked me if everyone in my house knew we were crushing on each other, i said yes-even the dog, roaches and the rats knew about it. He told me to tell them not to be chismoso and all, his neighbors already knew our bad romance. I asked him what can they say about it, he said that "ang cute daw po ng nililigawan ko!! hahahahahahahah"... at di nagtangi si xurt na nililigawan nya ako!!! muhahahahahahahahahahahaha... His neighbors got to know about this when they saw Xurt's primary photo on fb as well as the wallpaper of his phone. Then he asked if there's anybody else who knows about our friendship. I said the guys in our autosupply knew that he's wooing me out and they're happy for me. He asked me why were they happy for me?
I simply said because it's my first time to have an admirer. Such a weird, quirky, childish me having an admirer is really shocking for many people. Xurt was a bit shocked upon knowing that it was my first time to have an admirer, at least they know that someone like him can accept me, a person like me for who and what i am. I told him that i was glad and asked him if he can accept the real me- a strange, clumsy, quirky, nerdy, boyish me. He doesn't think of me as strange, but he thinks of me as pretty. He was glad that im ... uhm, glad about it. Then he asked me if i accept him him for who he is, for better for worse? 'till death do us part?? joke... :) (yeah... he said that actually.)
Some hours before i had my first wisdom tooth extraction, i checked out my facebook and saw new pictures of Xurt in the Request ni ate Irish album of his. This time, he tagged only me. Not with Wendy, Abby or Elyzza. Just me.
Then after a chat with him on facebook, he wished that i was a bit like her- Wendy. Goodness gracious, i will never ever be like her, or even her counterpart. It's one of the most stupid things someone ever told me. =p Then he wished me a good night with honey dreams as always. Then he added that im his warm and comfy pillow tonight. Thanked me for the time and bid me to take care.
The next day, i was having a really awful time with my self. My left cheek was so swollen and it hurts a lot and i feel so tired and groggy. Then all of a sudden, Xurt sent me a message, asking me how is my pain going and wished he was my toothache so he's the one that im dealing with(hah, you had enough-lol). But the good news is that he's right here to make me happy. He said that okay lang daw maging adik sya basta adik sa akin(naks...). When i say im happy coz he's happy, he become even a lot happier. Im not marijuana, im rugby coz madikit daw ako and nakakaadik ang amoy lalo kapag dinikit. Then he asked me what i wanted to talk about, i said Tokio Hotel(i just feel like talking about TH). I asked him if he heard of any Tokio Hotel songs and he said no, he tried to download some but he can't download them because of those copyrights chuvaekek.Then he asked me if i know the song "I love the way you love me" because that song is so romantic. I told him nope, and my left cheek is really swollen. He was like, "Paga na? awwww... pero i think it's still a kissable cheek? Mapula po ba? Nangangamatis ika nga po ng mga Batanguenyo. Haha, let me just kiss it para gumaling na, haha joke. Then i told him that my cheek is not kissable, in fact i avoid any touch or contact in that part. Then on his last text for that night, he said maybe his kiss can cure it, malay po natin, joke lang huh. After he said his usual good night, chocolatey dreams, sensya po at bitin tau. sleep tight my cute darling!! take care... i replied with a snappier "Ayos lng yun. At least you made me feel a lot better. Guten nacht... Sweet as mooncake dreams, sweetie."
That probably left Xurt sleepless with so much euphoria that night.

The next day, i posted on my facebook some new photos of mine. I tagged them for Xurt as thanks for the photos he gave me. When he saw the pictures, he sent me a message to open my fb, im so sweet and he called me sweetie. When i opened my Fb, i was surprised that Xurt liked all my pics where he was tagged and sent some sweet comments. Then he opened his fb and he noticed i was online too. Then we went on for some chat. He was talking about my photos and i called him sweetie- which made him so happy. I remember him asking me why i called him that, the reason is that because he is so sweet to me. Then he was disconnected from fb. A few moments later, he sent me a phone message, saying that i was disconnected too(but i was on fb when he texted me). We just felt just the same when we call "sweetie" to each other. Everything is so different with me, when i danced with him, when i hugged him, when i called him sweetie. What if he revealed to me that he was gay all along? I told him i would still accept him for who he is, besides my past major crush(now a kind of minor) is often mistook as a gay person. He was surprised and realized that im a really rare kind of friend. Calling him sweetie, he felt like he's floating in the air, it's like all his problems were gone, and his heartbeat was fastened by my words. If hindi ko daw mamasamain if he called me sweetie in personal, he wouldn't think twice calling me "hey darling, kumusta na po?" or "hello there, sweetie.... what do you want to do now while we're together?" hahaha. Then i asked him what if i called him sweetie in person, what would be his reaction. He wouldn't faint at all if i call him that personally. He would redden, would blush hard, then i would see the glitters off his eyes.

Then our innocent, tweetums-like crushing would soon be sprinkled with lust- a kind of phenomenon normal with teenagers in love because of ranging hormones. One day, isang araw, i saw, nakakita Juliemar and Xurt bashing each other with comments in one of my photos. They were backlashing about steamy stuffs and Xurt's perverted past, which took me with unsurprise. I wasn't surprised at all because im aware Xurt is not as holy, pure and innocent as my best friends. He once mentioned about sex and he wasn't flailing at all, unlike Jonathan or Mark, if you mentioned to them even just the word "lovemaking", they would panic. Xurt thought i was turned off with him after i commented on their brawl. I remember he sent me a message saying that he may be horny at least he's different from all the others. For one day, he didn't talked to me. If he did, he will say he's too disturbed. He was like that until later that night, he was online so i took the chance to talk to him about it. You know, the truth sets us free. He told me that he feels so disturbed because he might look so immoral to him now i knew he was horny. I made him feel like he's still fine with me and he's not the only horny person around. I told him i read stuff about sex in womens magazine. Then i found out that he once read FHM and i told him, so do i. Then he felt so light and wonderful again. But his lustful happiness will not last him long.
After being shouted at by dad with no valid reason at all, i texted Xurt away so i can make myself feel a bit better. He replied in a flash, saying that we're just of the same problem. His dad is womanizing again, his mom's truly aware of it. But at best, we have each other and we know it. and he implied our horniness. I wasn't expecting anything lustful anyway. Then Xurt revealed that i was the first girl to say such horny things to him, and i was the first female to hear about his horniness. I just rub it in that we're horny even just a bit. Im the very first one. Then he lost load.

The next morning, i sent him a good morning message and asked if he got a nice sleep, reply to me if he wanted to. He said yeah and i assumed right(that he lost load last night). For him, he seemed to go crazy whenever he reads my messages from him, because all of a sudden he'll smile. His sleep last night was fine, and he always wanted to text me, im so sweet. And then he told me that before he went to sleep, he had a some kind of "Night dreaming"- he was lying on his bed and beside him is me, and he was hugging me so tight like he doesn't want to release me. He had no idea why he was thinking about that. It was his last will before he drifted off to sleep. A person hallucinates when he's about to fall asleep. He said maybe he is so stressed out and his tio thought that he like me. It was a factor but he warned me that he has nothing bad in his mind about me.
I was overwhelmed with what he just said. Never any of my crushes would dream like that about me. Imagine Bill telling me himself on my phone that he dreams of hugging me all night. I was blushing so dark and full of glee. I felt like i was in heaven. But i knew there's something deeper with what Xurt said. If my dirty mind was to be believed, he probably implied sex. He just said that he has nothing bad in his mind about me so that i wont be afraid of him. Sex or no sex, i was in rapture-hahahahahahaha!!! Whaddayouknow, my crush is lusting after me!!!! Something that makes me feel guilty because of my conscience but it's also something that my teenage hormones makes me feel so blissful about.
I asked him if his bed is large enough for the both of us. And he said yes, but he squeezed me right beside him. He doesn't know why he was thinking of those kinds of stuff, he's pure and he wasn't the kind of guy who looks for one thing in a girl(aka sex). Then i asked him what if tonight i just appeared beside him in his bed. His answer was he will not sleep all night just as long im beside him, even if im asleep. He'll just stare at me, at my face all night long. Then he won't miss the chance... sex isn't it??(OMFG!!! HE JUST SAID WHAT??? HE WANTED TO HAVE WITH ME?? WTF!!! *hyperventilating* o.0) nah, he likes girls for they are the ones who i can hug, kiss, and make them feel his love for them(scheisse, why???) and maybe a bit of sex. (x_x)
All boys chase it on girls, he says.But the others, maybe sex is just a small factor, he admits that he goes looking for it too. But before that thing, he knows that sex is the result of love, not the other way around. I should be happy because im the only one whom he opened up with this.
I told him what about my best guy friends, are they looking for sex in me? I dont think so anyway. He told me that their case is different, from the start i was so sweet to him and he was attracted to me romantically. Im so kind, nice, sweet, friendly- all in all the ideal girl for him. In my best friends' case, im their ideal best gal pal.

Inside me i was freaking out. Of course he's my crush but i don't want to do it with him. Crushing on Xurt is different from crushing on Bill. Bill's is fantasy crush and super admiration, while Xurt has some dint of teenage and friendly love. It's hard to lust after someone you knew personally.

I asked him that if he'll do what he just said if that happened, and he said yes and he's serious. Why would i doubt that he will not do it then. (O hindeeeeee, he's serious he's gonna do me. i wanna diee... x_x) Then he didn't reply back until i came home from the Church(and singing "Anima Christi" and "Spring nicht" on the streets to acquire peace of mind). He's really dead serious, besides what's the reason for girls like me to exist if there's no one who would love me, and he's just right here. My gulay, that bashi bazouk have no idea that i am more than a useless, dumb plaything whose only main purpose in this world is to be loved by a guy like him. I have a lot of blessings from God that makes me more than what he thinks i am. I was a bit offended but still my infatuation for him stops me from being angry with him and just take it as a compliment. He's lucky though that he's my crushie. If he wasn't, then he would be dead. I told him that i blushed and he was amazed that he made me blush. That's how he really think and feel, so why would he regret it. and of course if he'll gonna do it to me for real, what will i do?

I told him i dont know. But deep inside me, i wanted to do what Lady Gaga did on her video Bad Romance- burn him horribly to death. Then he replied back, but now he sounded mightily disappointed with my answer- i bet he wanted me to answer "of course, i'll do it with you" or what. Of course, i wont answer that(until probably, we're engaged with each other). When i couldn't take Xurt's miserable disappointment, i stopped replying. Damn, i really need a break from that guy. I don't know when the hell will i reply back to that pervert... i made a mental note on my head that particularly dizzy sunday afternoon.

That night, i got a message from Xurt telling me to forget everything he said a while ago. He was disturbed with it and he bade Wendy good night(crap, no "good night, sweet, sugary, honey, chocolatey dreams" for me). Then he went on for a day without sending me a message. Whenever i send him a message that day, he would reply back "im too disturbed". Then i got tired of this balderdash of his that i buzzed him on fb. I told him that i wasn't bothered at all with what he said. I got a bit uncomfortable, but i accepted it as part of life. In every person's life, there will come a time when someone will love/lust after him- no matter how ugly, nerdy or weird he is. That's how this crazy world probably goes. I even told him that i feel like im in Bill Kaulitz's level because of that. Then he felt okay and said he was sorry for telling me those kinds of stuff, he's the guy so he should be the one who should apologize. He doesn't want the time when i will disappear from him to come, he's so afraid to lose things and people so important to him. It's hard to accept. Then he's happy that he'll not lose me(as of that time). Then he bade me good night and buttercake dreams(and called me sweetiepie). Then he called me Irish for the first time ever. Once again, we're back to being that innocent, teenaged bad romance status.

Then we went on with our last moments of talking to each other, we talked about my boyishness(he was flattered when i told him that he changed me a bit), my classmates(he told me that us fourth year are pretty weird. He just can't help but smile about it.), me being called a "dog"(if Kevin was a horse and Dean a pig), my solo pictures in his cellphone(he said he got a lot- pictures of me last JS, last year's JS, me with bangs and the one that i wore black with shades- he doesn't put my pics as his cellphone's wallpaper), the possibility of becoming his classmate(he will be holding me and jump like a happy spirit if that happens), his shyness(i told him that he's too shy and he told me that it was the first time ever he was told by someone about his weakness), our sweetness (he said that im sweet enough to be his reward and such) and some other things i erased back then.

One afternoon, i sent Xurt a message but he isnt replying. His sister Xefi was online on facebook so i decided to ask her what's up with him. She told me that Xurt doesn't have load to reply back and then all of a sudden, she asked me if i find her brother cute and all. I said yes, then she asked me if i got a crush on him, then she egged on me to admit by telling me that it would be a secret between the both of us, but that secret wasn't long enough. I told her that i got a crush on her brother, and then the next thing i knew was that his mom replied back(in Xefi's account). She told me that i shouldn't make Xurt cry- how's that for a caring mother?? ;) Then Xefi got back on her account and asked me what's why age(which caused her to say "oh my momay" when i told her my age)
Later that night, Xurt found out that i chatted with his mom and sister. He asked me what did they asked me. I told him that they asked me if i got a crush on you and i told them yes. When i told him that his mom told me that i shouldn't make you cry, he was embarrassed and apologized for having his mom ask me that. He even added that he should be the one who shouldn't make me cry(hahahahahahaha. like he already made me cry for two weeks straight once, when he was so mad at me when i told CJ about my pain, and even more times on the inside). Man, that thing he said still gives my fingers some weird feeling every time i read that. I told him that he shouldn't be embarrassed coz his mom is so caring and concerned for him. Then he told me that sometimes her care is too much, it's like he's a baby, and in front of many people, it's really embarrassing, especially with the fact that he's a guy. She has to get used to it because he's a boy, being overprotective just won't help. When it became a bit late, he told me that i can go to sleep now if i want, he doesn't like it that he's making myself suffer. The choice is yours, my darling- he said. When i told him that im going to bed(in fact, watch Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets) and asked if he's gonna be fine, he replied back that he'll be fine, i should think more about myself and he likes that. Okay darling, sleep well, good night and honeydreams po, next time ulit. byee.... he said.

One day, i told him that he made me feel so loved and i wanted to do something so sweet tonight. Then he told me that i make him feel like that too. In fact he feels this weird kind of euphoria and i was the only one who made him feel like that. Then he guessed right what i wanted to do, call him. But he never answered my call later on, but he apologized for not answering the phone call(his phone's on silent mode) and then he told me to sleep tight(and called me sweetie).

I thought all this Wendymonyo thing is over but i was wrong. the next day, Xurt told me that nakakapanhinayang talaga si Wendy. I asked him why, he explained that she doesn't seemed to be interested at all with him. He never had a talk with her for two weeks and he only receives GMs from her. When he replies to her GMs, she would only reply "Magandang hapon din" or "Hindi, nagreply lang ako". When i told him that she maybe not interested with her, i was surprised that he wasn't offended at all. He could sense at all that Wendy is not interested but she sent him a quote "Ingat para sa taong espesyal sa akin, miss you para sa taong namimiss ko, love you para sa taong mahal ko, ingat miss you love you para sa taong nagbabasa nito."
He doesn't get it, she's so confusing and she asked him if he was ever been in love. She asked him if he was in love before and he shouldn't think of her question badly, and she told him to just forget everything she told him about Joshua Dionesio because she's so sick of him but her fb profile still proves that she still love him. He told her that hangang crush crush lang, no name was given. "Right, don't get a girlfriend yet(or something like that)..." said Wendy to him. He then lamented that they're so confusing. He's so lucky that he still got me. The "they" he's referring to is not only Wendy but all the girls who left him because they lost interest with him.
Kim Macalalad, seemed to have a crush on him but he got a crush once on her cousin and she's aware of that. On their way home, they were holding hands for the whole trip but she was asleep back then. My eyes seemed to pop out when i got to know that he once had a crush on Kimberly Macalalad's cousin, and the only cousin i knew of her is Geelo. I don't know if i should laugh or cry. Then he told me that it was Vanessa Macalalad(the hell i don't know her), they used to like each other before but she got a bf now; Kim is the only one who got a crush on him, he's not sure if it's true; Kim grabbed his hand behind him on their way home from the JS and she held it for the whole trip. I asked him when did he got a crush on Vanessa, he said 2007. The saying was true "You can never have too many friends", he says. Then he enumerated the girls: Anna Lopez- his cousin but they used to like each other(incest much?? hahahahaha. I used to crush on my married 35 something year old uncle from Hong Kong as well as Tads number 1 *rolls eyes*), Vanessa- given who the hell she is, Kim Macalalad- she's so sweet with him as if they're already together and last Anna Noreen(aka Wendymonia)- he had no idea that much about her. Well he knows a lot more girls, those whom he just mentioned were those who left him, who got tired of him as a guy pal. That's why im so different from them. Then i called him and then there he goes, asking me how can he tell if girls got tired of being friends with a guy. After the call, he thanked me a lot for being such a good girl friend to him, i am with those who don't leave people like him. Then he bade me the usual, sweet good night, sweet sugary dreams to me- his sweetie.

The next night, we got plans to call each other. Then he told me that he's slowly taking away all his hopes up for Wendy- HALLELUJAH!!! But the bad news was, my cellphone was going crazy that i couldn't hear calls, so he told me to open my YIM so i can see him again(i told him i don't have a webcam but that doesn't matter), that's one of the businesses of good friends and for sure that would satisfy ang pagmimiss ko sa kanya. Im his special and affectionate friend, that's why.
I was lightened up but felt miserable and guilty coz i had Xurt waste his 20 to unlicall me. When we were in YIM, we were talking about a lot of (damn crazy) things- our favorite color, his night dreaming(of me being in his bed again and he would like to hug me the way he hugs his pillow right now), he likes to hang around with me(he even said that he would like something like a practical life/camp thing and just the two of us were teamed up together), he's beginning to hate Wendy, dissing out Bill's new style, Bill Kaulitz, his new favorite band Big Time Rush(Yung incoming fourth year guys sa Lipa ay ang Big Time Rush: sya yung kamukha ni Yen- what a fucking coincidence!!! Kung sila ang Tokio Hotel, si Xurt siguro si Bill-aka yung matangkad na baklang ewan!!!), and he even said this: "tsaka ang gagawin ko lang ay: tititin ko lang po mukha niyo, tititigan ko lang po mata niyo, i'll put my hand in your forehead and down to your hair, and i'll do the same things over and over again". In his vid, he was wearing a blue tshirt, his yawn was as cute as Bill's, his smile is so cute and he often show me his Fat and Thin pillow. Behind him, Xyen makes a lot of mischief- making faces and all. Then Xurt also began to make weird faces and stick his tongue out. I was downtrodden and near to tears when i saw the wallpaper of his phone was Wendy but i was especially touched when he held a piece of paper saying "I love ate Chenes"(he loves me in a friendly way).

After watching Sex and the City 2 with ate Ash(and i wished someone will shoot me on the spot as i went out-since i remember Xurt and what he said some time ago), i found out that Xurt sent me 10 peso load- how sweet. Then i told him the good news, the good news was that i had my phone fixed and we can call each other. Then he thanked me for saying that he was cute when he was yawning or smiling(and he was nakilig about that), and i shouldn't forget that i told him that i love him as a friend. And then he bade me good night(and called me ms Kaulitz!!! hahahahahaha)

After enlisting in AISIS, i told him that my PE will be fencing, it's supposed to be table tennis- fencing he said was a bit hard and he told me that he's great in table tennis. Then after a trip to my two dentists, i dashed off to netopia to rent a computer and see him again in YIM, this time i used their webcam so he can see me too. During our YIM, we didn't talked much- maybe a few things like my new Harry Potter tshirt and my smile. We just stared on each other and made faces or something. Later that night, he told me that my smile was unforgettable but he still couldn't call because his unli150 don't work yet. He didn't call until next night came, when i was on my way to Calamba with my sister and cousin Tads 1. He told me that he spent his elem days in st. John Academy in Sampaloc, Manila. Then he bade me ingat after 16 minutes of chatting on my way to Calamba.

Last monday, i told Xurt that i was having a really rough time with dad especially in the autosupply. He told me that if he just lives near us, he would often visit me to alleviate my loneliness. Then i told him that it's alright just as long as he'll never make me cry. Then he was shocked because he know so far that he didn't make me cry. Then i told him that he did made me cry, when he was so angry with me about Wendy. Then he said he's sorry and never realized that he made me cry. Everytime he remember that, it makes him feel so embarrassed and stupid. I told him that he was scaring me a lot. Then he told me that he learned something in that incident too. He fet so bad about me but he cant endure the pain knowing that his friend is getting hrt by him. It hurts him a lot more than it hurts me, he says. I told him that i never told him i was crying back then coz i know he wouldn't give a damn coz i hurted him. Why wouldn't he care? its' about me, and include the fact that he pitied me and himself so that's why he was hurt. He never wanted something like this to happen, to hurt someone like me.
I told him that he told me back then that he loves Wendy, but Xurt said that he only liked her. Then he said sorry again coz it's like he cheated on me, but the good news is that he hates Wendy. He just sticked only to me. Consider this fact, the couples who fight frequently tells that they love each other. It's hard for him to choose between Wendy and me, but he chose me because i reciprocate his feelings while Wendy don't. I told him i call Wendy Wendymonia behind his back when i was still heartbroken about him, it was a time when i never expected that he'll tell me soon that he still have me. He was surprised when i told him that but i was even more surprised with what he said next. For him, i was more than a friend. I was in the middle of friend and girlfriend. That was the first time someone treated me almost like a girlfriend. I don't know if i see Xurt as something like that, i just see him as more than a friend, something like a lover but not boyfriend. He will miss my messages, and i gave him a very affectionate care that's why im a big lost for him.He never felt like this from the other girls. He preferred me to be simple looking and without makeup on often- far from what i wanted to be.Then he went on ranting about Wendy being so rude to him, Wendy was stupid, crazy, weird, a waste and disrespectful girl. And he asked me if he was wearing a barong on his wedding(the crazy dream i had about him) and i told him that he was wearing a formal attire- dude, if ur wearing a barong, i'd wear a cheongsam.


So, there we have it. These three blog posts about Xurt were made as a kind of remembrance. As my days of talking with him every night on my phone, smiling at his sweet nothings and goodnights, blushing after being called "darling", "cute chenes", "ms Kaulitz", "liebling", "sweetie", "sweetiepie", "honeybunch", "mrs. Diaz" or something and taking cute pictures of me with my bangs for him drew to a close, here i am writing to my blog that will make me recall that in my teenage years- the gap between my Montessori and my eventual Ateneo days- that i got a love life as well- or was it my first time of being felt so desirable and loved by someone. Even though we weren't together in a relationship(only a friendly, slightly romantic), he's still unforgettable because he's the first guy to woo me out, the first guy to treat me this sweetly and the first guy to treat me as a lady- making me kiss "paalam" to my super childish teenage self(but im still childish though).

Good times last forever, darling. ;)

Thank God, it's only a dream...

Last night, i drifted off into dreamland after for what it seemed like two hours of restless fidgeting in bed. In my dream last night, it began when i was in our kitchen with ate Ash, yaya and Robbie. Ate Ash was mad at Robbie for eating her proven(Chicken strips) from kuya Karlo in the fridge, then yaya was in the corner laughing when i left. When i left the kitchen and opened the door of my room, i was surprised because when i entered, i was in a church filled with some people and my clothes changed. Before i entered the door of my room, i was wearing my Ateneo tshirt, skinny jeans and my Ed Hardy shoes. When i entered, i was wearing a dress that is akin to what Kassel wore on the JS but it's all white, some expensive jewelry and heels. And whaddayou know, i got a long, white veil stuck on my head, a bouquet on my hand and a diamond ring on my finger... I am about to get married, or am i married already?? And with whom i am married with?? o.0
I turned my head and i saw Xurt wearing his glasses and all dressed up. He held my hands sweetly and grinned at me as we walked to the door. "Xurt, talagang kasal na ako?? Sa'yo nga ba ako kasal??" I asked him, he gave me a sort "Oo-kasal-na-nga-tayo-darling-duh" look. I was a so happy that im finally married to my crush until some grieving thoughts came to my head... Oh my gosh, Xurt na lagi ang kasama ko until ma tsugi ako, i will never be able to do everything i wanted to do on my own, i can't study(in Ateneo) anymore(coz dad will never support me since im married), i can't travel alone, i can't enjoy being with my best friends Jonathan, Mark, Marlon and Gt often, i can't go to my favorite places on my own, i can't do things for myself only, i can't visit my Chinese relatives on my own(If you're a Chinese woman, you should tag your hubby along on family reunions- unlike guys coz for them it's unnecessary to introduce their wives to their family coz she's already part of his family), i can't go around on adventures like Tintin, i can't dress up like Bill, i can't do my boyish quirks anymore, i have to act more mature, i have to spend my money not only for myself but for others, i have to take care of Xurt, im gonna have 2-3 kids(and take care of them, of course) and ....

... And then i woke up.

Call me selfish but i think i'll find it really hard to commit to someone. I don't think i'll ever get married. If i do, then i'll be about late 20s-early 30s. It must be because there's a hell lot of things in my life that makes commitment difficult for me- unless if my would-be husband is trusting enough, can take care of himself and the kids even without me(what i learned from mom), has a (more or less) same sense of style and as mischievous as i am. Of course, you can't go around the world and do boyish mischief when you're married. When you're married, you must settle down with your spouse, work hard and raise kids together. If i married Xurt(who is wooing me-lol), i think he wants to have kids right away because of his family problems, his sense of style is plain(he said he doesn't want someone with style too extravagant- prolly dyed hair, unusual clothes, piercing and tats) and he looks more mature than i so that's why i have to be more mature.
I may not want to marry(whether Xurt or someone else) but who knows one day i might want to give up my shenanigans and mischief and settle down to a more quiet life with my hubby and kids.

Chinese happiness with a teaspoon of friendship

In Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, dementors are soulless creatures considered to be among the foulest beasts on earth. They are soul sucking beings that dement people by feeding on people's happiness and good memories, forcing them to recall their worst moments. When a dementor passes by, everything became dark and cold. Besides feeding on positive emotions, Dementors can perform the Dementor's Kiss, where the Dementor latches its mouth onto a victim's lips and sucks out the person's soul.The victim is left as an empty shell, incapable of thought and with no possibility of recovery. It is believed that existing after a Dementor's Kiss is worse than death.

Even though there are no dementors in real life, right now i feel like i am surrounded by a couple of those due to some personal problems. For me, everything seemed to be nocturnally dark and cold. My mind is often beset with bad thoughts and worries. There is little happiness and unfortunately more depression.

But they say you can repel dementors by simply thinking of strong, happy thoughts. What keeps me going in life is God, my dreams in life, the opportunity that im really thankful of to God, my sister, my friends like Jonathan, Mark, my classmates, Marlon, a certain significant other(he isn't my boyfriend but we're in -puppy- love with each other. =p) and of course some good memories that serves as an inspiration as well as motivation to move on with life.

Once upon a time, in faraway Hong Kong, dad and i paid a visit to some of my Chinese relatives who live there. It was the first time i met my foreign relatives whom i only saw on photo albums. I thought they were meaner, less hospitable and i will not understand them much since they were foreigners, but i was proved wrong. I spent a day not as Irish the Filipina but as Irish the Chinese girl. The memories of lively, crowded streets that smells joss incense, the dynamic infusion of ancient, oriental wisdom and modern ambiance, the very sweet smiles of my relatives and the sense of belongingness are so vivid in me. They are something that i will never find in any of the 7,107 islands where i live, but in some other place which gently whispers to me as the place where i should really belong. I will never forget April 6,2009.

Back in the Philippines, i have some of the most beloved people in my life- my best friends. My best friends were the ones who understood what i felt, enjoyed with me, cried with me, talked to me about their joys as well as their woes. In the past 16 years, my best friends are mostly transient. Even if i met Jonathan and Mark Malabanan, there are still doubts if they're really the best friends i was wishing for, but when i was with them, they never failed to stand by my side and do what's best for me. Even if their minds aren't as open minded as mine, they still manage to understand my innermost feelings- one thing that most of my transient "best friends" haven't managed to do. It's harsh to compare them with my other best friends because all of them have different capabilities. But still, i love my best friends, even the transient ones.

Just one of life's little sentiments.

The slang of Montessorians...

As Montessorians studying in one of the most refined schools in town, T.Myn expected us to acquire and speak in a charming, sophisticated manner like we were all well-bred students from high-end schools like O.B Montessori(a school affiliated with us), Assumption college, Woodrose or IS Manila. But unknown to "Mama Myn", students and some teachers in the San Pablo Main branch(and even some students from Lucena and Lipa branch) developed a kind of unique and absurd slang that only us can relate to. The "Montessorian slang" is infused with the influences of gay lingo, BatMan(the DJ from Batangas), street cuss, friends from other schools like Canossa or LC, D.O.T.A(even non-D.O.T.A players like me use those words), the personal lives of prominent Montessorians, teachers and just about anything that we find strangely amusing.

So, here's a list of some common slangs, terms and phrases that we use in our everyday discussions- whether inside or outside the classroom. I already posted some slang in a post, i think last September 2009, but here's just an update(as of March 2010).

Lugi ka ngay-ohn!!!- an expression said when someone expected something but it turned out very different from his expectations. Example: "Dean, ang dali dali kaya ng exams at 70 lang ang nakuha mo?? Lugi ka ngay-ohn!!!"
Adik- Anyone who overly achieves things. Example: Adik talaga si Tetel sa math.
Bruha- a more subtle substitute for luko, tanga or bitch. Popularized by sir Manny de Villa and sir Ian Villareal. Example: "Bruha ka!!!"
Chenes- Me, or anything that pertains to China or something Chinese. Example: "Hello, Chenes!!" said sir Ernest as Irish passed by with Jonathan and Mark, the three talking about Tintin.
Cheverloo- Variable
First blood-
Beyond God-like- something that sounds like "adik"
Mega kill-
jumong-
Eklavush- Synonym of cheverloo
Chuk chak cheneses- Synonym of cheverloo and eklavush.
Emo ranger- Someone who is heartbroken. Example: Si Dean ay naging isang "emo ranger" pagkatapos nyang malaman na iba ang mahal ni Rizelle.
Serminaristang lalaki- Christian, Rizelle's ex from Sariaya.
Kalaguyo- Anyone who is considered as Rizelle's lover.
Yugnot- Huguenot, aka French Protestant like Julien Jehan(Juju is a bornagain). The symbol of the Yugnots is a phallic sign aka the Hugenot symbol. The Hugenot symbol came to be when Dean was doddling on Julien's PE a phallic symbol one Filipino class, then we just noticed it after math class when sir Ian saw(and realized what the hell it is) the symbol.
Humahaba ang buhok ni (any girl)- When people found out that a certain girl has an admirer. Example: Uiii... Humahaba ang buhok ni Irish!!! (Nung nalaman nilang tinetext ako ni Xurt all the time)
Age doesn't matter- a phrase fourth grader Job Cayamanda popularized when he was asked who is his crush(which is Vannesa Muje from grade 6). After being received with jeers, he told the crowd "Age doesn't matter..."

The long lost friend... and lover. (Part 2)

"I want your love and I want your revenge, You and me could write a bad romance..."
- Lady Gaga

After clearing things up, we became slightly okay again. We talked about Amber Pacific(his favorite songs are If i fall, thoughts before me), Tokio Hotel(he told me "...idol nyo talaga si (Bill)Kaulitz), his family problems, morning exercise nila("Just dance" daw), Julien, Hong Kong, his friends and even his teachers like sir Leinard(he was a bit mad at sir Leinard for frankly telling him that im boyish) and at the same time sending me some sweetness. He even had the guts to text me in German after i told him that my crush is a German guy. He calls me "mein Liebling" and tells me "Guten nacht, Ich habe liebe dich" before i go to sleep. I was so impressed with him that unknown to myself, i was unconsciously falling for him.

Everytime Xurt keeps in touch with me, i feel like im in a blissful state of lightness and wonder. No one ever made me feel so special, loved and desired by a guy romantically. I experienced this kind of heaven until i suddenly fell down to depths of hellish depression.

One day, he suddenly told me that he's in love with Wendy de Villar but CJ Recto is also in love with her. He asked me if Wendy was the girl he really want. I shrugged and said, "i dunno...". Well, he can say that he likes her a bit, he havent been with her so, he cannot say if she's really her type... yet. They had a lot of things in common. He won't take her seriously, he's been out of lovelife for a very long time(pareho pala kami), he won't woo her out, he doesn't wanna be her bf, it's too early, she's just an inspiration(A girl with an average of 70 in math?? BEST. INSPIRATION. EVER.... dumbasses. haha!!)
Then i told him that i too was out of lovelife for a very long time. I told him the tragic story of Keith and how he made people think of me as heartless and cold as Siberia. Like what most of the people i confide my story with said, Xurt told me that Keith was wrong. This time, Xurt's opinion convinced me to face the truth. Xurt told me that a person must not go away from a person who likes him, as he may make the other person think that he is not what he is. I told him further that Keith frowned at me on the Sportsfest that's why i cried, Xurt would feel the same if it happened to him. He's glad that he met me, a person just like him in some ways. Then he said that he wont bring me trouble about Wendy.
He doesn't want CJ to hook up with Wendy because CJ is the titular "Bad Influence" of Lipa. He was notoriously known for hooking up with girls, have sex with them and then break their hearts. He even did it with a whore. And Xurt never wanted that to happen with Wendy. Ever since then, Xurt talks about CJ with an ominous and some kind of evil air, as if CJ is the bubonic plague of the 14th century personified(kulang nalang na sabihin nya na si CJ ay ang nagsimula ng bubonic plague- "Si CJ po ang nagsimula ng bubonic plague nung 14th century kaya namatay po ang mga ninuno ni Juliel-Juliel talaga si Julieno sa buhay ni Xurt..."). Then Xurt warned me not to tell any of what he said to Wendy, he wants Wendy to know who CJ really is when the right time comes. That's why he doesn't want Wendy to be close with CJ.
Hangang crush lang naman daw sya kay Wendy, but still he wished it that it's beyond that.
We both thought that i would be okay about this(since i never realized that he was my crush already) but we were wrong. As moments went by, the thought of Xurt loves someone romantically more than I nags like hell. I was unconsciously heartbroken until i realized that he was my crush already. After having a talk about Wendy, i told Xurt that i wanted to tell him something but im afraid if he knew, he will get away from me the way Keith Coral did. I wanted him to know but i don't know how... Then an idea sprouted in my mind that i should tell that directly to him... in gut, alte Deutsch. Then after telling that to him in German, i shouldn't reply back to him until the next day-my excuse, i was asleep. But my plan was foiled when i felt compelled to answer what does it means. I told him what it means and then he told me that we don't want any misunderstandings again, please explain it coz he's just curious. He won't get hurt. I said won't tell him because he'll end up like Keith. Then he said he won't get hurt, he thinks he had an idea about what i wanted him to know. He was like "Tell it to me, it's my bday!!! LOL"(Yeah, it's just some mere minutes away from his birthday-march 18). Well, since it's his birthday, *sigh* i told him the truth. I told him that i got a soft side for him and it's developing... in short, i got a crush on him. Happy now??

"Happy now? my answer is yes, very happy! Coz you know why? hehehe, cuz i feel the same way for you, that's why. Im flattered, simula nung js crush mo na ako?? im so happy" was his reply to me after waiting for what it seems like forever- and it stopped prolonged the agony. I told him it all began after i saw him wearing glasses and got to know him more. He told me that he feels so giddy, he's like he's going crazy in euphoria that he can't even sleep. He began crushing me when he first texted me. If he attended my graduation, he will wear his glasses. But what's with him? Why him?? Or glasses lang talaga? He's so happy, he likes me, the way i talk to him. I told him i like him too, so he was like "Wahahahaha, hey everyone, we like each other!!! C'mon tease us!!! Haha, don't worry, wala pong kakalat :D, Sleep tight darling. Ingat ka always. friendly :*"
I asked him if that was by far the best gift he ever received on his 15th bday. He said it was the bestest gift he had. He thanked me and wished that what i see in him will never change, he wished i wasn't hurt with what he said about Wendy. Never mind that, what's more important that he's here now and more for me, he said. Then he said his good night and Ich habe liebe dich(what i taught him about German back then).

The next day was our two day camping in school. It was a perfect chance for me to experience unusual things like staying overnight in school, seeing what my schoolmates look like when they're in their jammies, asleep or newly awake. When you're camping, you need to be in full alert, your mind should work harder as if you're slaving away in tons of assignments and you need speed and stamina in order to be able to lead your group to success. Sadly, i was heartbroken that's why i never got to display my full potential in camp. It was as terrible as the DLSUCET, i was out of condition but i need to show to my groupmates Kassel, Elyzza, Twinkle, Letlet, Fatima and Zharina that i am cooperative and im willing to do whatever they want me to do- even throw a little bit of trash or guard the chopped veggies in the kitchen as they cook our food- and never let my group down with my wrongdoings. (anyway, i hate working in teams because leaders tend to give me the smallest assignments and in the end they betray me with claiming that i didn't worked much even though i done my job. ;-;)
Anyway back to our topic about Xurt, i was expecting to find Wendy in school but she didn't show up. I had this urge to talk to her, a maddening nag in my head to ask her about Xurt- what she thinks of so far about him and what do they talk about. I also wanted to confirm about Gt's bestfriendly advice to me- "He's just telling you that he loves Wendy romantically so he'll know how you'll react."- If Wendy said that they're just talking about trivial, non-romance stuffs, then Gt is right. But if it's the other way around, then i'll be dead. My groupmates Kassel and Twinkle(both are my good friends as well) noticed that im so different, my head is blank, i look so forlorn and often stressed out. They asked me why and i told them about it. Kassel said that i assumed too much from Xurt, Twinkle said that im definately heartbroken. I told about my misery to sir Ernest and then he grieved with me(I called sir Ernest sir Mañucat-some thing that Xurt and some Lipa people affectionately call him-, while he ditched the "Chenes" with Xurt- a little roleplay hehehehe) little did i know that he will betray my depression and tell it later on to Xurt.

After the camping, Xurt texted me, telling me to get some cutie rest. Next afternoon, Xurt texted me again. He told me that he got to hang out with sir Mañucat because of their swimming lessons and he told him that i was jealous because of Wendy. Xurt told me that i shouldn't be jealous with Wendy. Im also cute, he added. Then i confessed that i was jealous, and guilty of it!!
He then asked me why do i have to be guilty to be jealous? He's not mad, he's actually happy coz i really love him, he meant i was jealous cuz i want him to appreciate me more. I said yes, i was jealous coz i want him to appreciate me more. Actually i was jealous because i don't see anything that makes Wendy stands out more that i. She isn't intelligent, she lacks concentration, she's shabby looking, corny, petite, shy, a jejemon and she even had a deformed finger on her left hand... in short, she's nothing beyond pretty. Of all the girls in the world, why Wendy??... my head asked Xurt. Besides, Wendy is already happy with claiming that she's the wife of Kim Bum or Joshua Dionesio, depending on her mood(dalawa ang asawa ni Wendy). I remember that not long ago, Jonathan, Mark and i used to call her "Cholo"(Joshua Dionesio in Stairway to Heaven).

Then my head began to scream, Why can't Xurt see what's more of me?? He just looks at Wendy and never realized that there are girls much better than her who sees him and loves(not really but kinda...-lol) him a lot.

Then he asked me if i love him with love that i want to be with him forever. I said no. No because i couldn't see myself being with him until i die. Parang ang weird kasi, i only know him for two years, he disappeared for a long time most of those years and then he emerged back as a kind of admirer to me. I do had a crush on him but it's not love that is deep enough to want him forever... at least not yet. We're too young to know and to be sure. We're only teenagers curious about how love goes and all those things adults talk about when we were kids. If i were on the stage of ate Ash(early 20s) then i would surely know if it's true love or not.
Then Xurt replied back in a flash, with a reply as if he was sure with what he said, as if he knew it was really it. Something much, more worse than Bill Kaulitz telling everyone he wanted to have a girlfriend and all the Bill Kaulitz girlfriend rumors on earth(yung kina Heather Chase, Ilayda Gecim, Siobhan, Severine, Nathalie B, Messalina, Kim Paradise, Tokiohotelmistress at kung sino sino pang mga tinamaan ng kulog) combined.
"Ohh, ok. Now i get it. But why do you want me to appreciate you more and why are you jealous with Wendy? Wendy is the one i want to be with. Get it?? :D No hard feelings :)"

My heart shattered like glass when my eyes fell on the message. The song being played from the itunes was "Empire state of mind", but my own state of mind wasn't all but grand unlike the song. My state of mind shifted from happy, sunny and full of thorn-less roses into something as melancholic and nocturnal as the music video of 1000 meere. Everything seemed to be dark, so cold(even though it's sweltering hot actually), moribund and full of dementors. Everything to me seemed hopelessly dead, especially my heart.

Then he told me, don't be too jealous to Wendy because we're still under puppy love. He wants to be with Wendz for life, don't feel so badly about it. As tears fell painfully from my eyes like acid raindrops from the sky, i warned him that Wendy might or might not be the girl for him. Who knows there is something in her that he will hate or what. According to my best friends Jonathan and Mark(they were surprised when i broke in the news to them that i had a crush on Xurt but Xurt loves Wendy a few days after the camping, after all those times we were looking at him so badly), Wendy looks more like Xurt's daughter than lover if ever they become together, compared to ...uhm, me (hahahahahahaha)... i would look like someone who shares the same age as him. But still Xurt told me that he knows it(but not Jonathan and Mark's opinion, hehe) but he wants to try his luck and chance at her. We're both cute after all, but she's the real girl who i thinki can love. He asked please dont feel really jealous. But by then, i was so full of jealousy and animosity at Wendy. I feel like she stole my Harry Potter pillow and kept it for herself.
To Xurt, i was like "Oh God, i wish you could see me now". He never knew that there was someone better than his Wendy or if it's really true love or just infatuation, only stronger than his infatuation with me.

Then Xurt noticed(how the hell did that boy noticed how i felt through text??) that i am unhappy. He asked me to tell what i really feel, he won't hurt me(but he already is!!!! lol...). He's just telling the facts about us, im his crush just like puppy love but for Wendy it's different. I lied to him that i was unhappy because i am already contemplating about college. Thank goodness, he believed and told me that things get more serious in college.

The next few days was filled with talks about graduation, recognition and the chance to see each other again. Then Xurt found out that Elyzza found out that he has a crush on Wendy, again i admitted that i told her, i did it because (of course, Elyzza's my groupmate and she knew how i went during the camping... i did more trouble than good) she noticed i wasn't doing so well. He said that he thought he's dead to Wendy, he'll be more hopeless to her. He isn't mad at me at all, i shouldn't feel guilty. Who knows baka mas lumapit sya sa kanya. He just wished that Wendy isn't like Keith. He just wished that secret isn't that much known(if only he knew that all my friends and classmates and even my sister knew about it, hahahahahaha).
Turning to the recognition topic, he asked me if im coming to the SPC's recog because he's planning to go with CJ not only because to see Wendy. He'll go if i'll be coming over the recognition. Then he sent me the first verse and the chorus of "Baby can i hold you"(by Boyzone), he told me that that song is so beautiful. "Good night to you, my darling. Sleep tight. Sugary dreams. Let's try to have good dreams. tc. B-)"

Two days later, Xurt took some pics of himself wearing glasses, made an album on facebook and named it "Request ni Ate IRISH!". I never requested anything from him, i just told him that he looks so awesome with glasses. I was a bit touched and flattered with he did. None of my crushes ever did something so sweet for me. Like Bill Kaulitz will never take photos of himself
wearing his old visual kei style, post it on his facebook(as if he had a facebook) on an album that says "Irish's request". I told him that it was "Sehr gut" and he told me that it was really meant for me. He asked for my reaction, i told him that he was so cute. Then i told him that i had a nightmare, i was about to jump off a building(ala Spring Nicht) but then some guy pulled me away(and it was Bill Kaulitz!!!). He asked me why such dream for a nice and cute girl like me? and who is this "lucky guy"? He wished he was that guy(hah, as if!!! =p)... then he found out that i answered something on facebook that asks who is Wendy's special guy and i answered "Xurt...."
Then i admit and called myself a bitch since i am so jealous at Wendy. Then he said that he's not angry, and don't ever call myself a bitch. He asked me why am i jealous even though we're still udner puppy love?? Ano ba ang meron kay Wendy(ewan ko sa kanya)? He also reminded me when Abby asked him whom he like better (between me and Wendy), he never answered but he told me he would pick me. We're just puppy love, he wants true love from Wendy. I said sorry and he accepted my apology. He knew me longer than he knew Wendy, and he's closer to me, basta friendly and puppy love kami, then he told me "ich habe liebe dich". Then in the next text he asked me if im at home already, don't be jealous and we're done about it. Im one of his good buddies and he asked me if the SPC recognition starts at 2 PM. Then some hours later, i asked him when is their recognition(because he told me earlier that he might not come to the SPC's recognition) and he replied it's on april 5 and added that i should take my dinner. Then a plan popped in my mind, maybe i should tag along with ate Kim(since she'll be the guest speaker for Lipa) so i can see him. Then Xurt told me that he'll do his best to let ate Kim tag me along with her. Then our topic shifted to Keith, in which he teased me why am i still running after Keith even though there's always him?? Then i told Xurt, i might possibly come... if i didn't give dad a really bad time. Then he said "good luck with that" and he said he kinda like me too. He mean he has a crush on me because of the personality i showed unto him. That's why he wants to know me more.

After the recognition of the San Pablo people, i went to my classroom and packed all my things and took them home. One of those things is my copy of El Filibusterismo, which was then a reminder of all the novelty my classmates and i had during the past year. I flipped through the pages, hoping to recall the funny stuffs that was the produce of Dean's stupidity. But instead, the character whom i used to find so stupid, Isagani, caught my attention. Why he caught my attention would take another post to explain it all.

Then on my grad night, Xurt texted me his heartfelt congratulations. Then i told him i might go to his recognition coz i miss him so much. Then he told me there are only two girls in this world who told him that she misses him. One of them is (certainly) me and he let me guess who is the other one. I replied "...Wendy??", and he said Wendy is far from reality. He then revealed the answer, which is Kimberly Macalalad, the girl who was Geelo's partner last JS(and who got a slight crush on Xurt). He said that he knew her since he was in first year and she also told Xurt "ILY"- which i don't give a damn anyway. Xurt told me that he just sees her as a friend only, besides im cute, pretty, nice, kind, caring, affectionate and lovable. Then he asked me again if i'll be coming on their recognition. I told him, that he'll see... (which gives off an air of mystery)
A few days later, he asked me if i already got my first kiss. Of course, i never had so i told him "nah". He said he never had also. Then i asked him about the details of the recognition(time and place), and then i recalled the moment when i read about El Fili, related with Isagani's misery and asked Xurt about El Fili. He said he never read that book, only Noli me Tangere. They were in third year, remember??

Then the day before i was scheduled to go to Lipa, Xurt was so excited about my anticipated visit that he even tried to call me while i was still in the shower-lol. He told me that he will be very sad if i won't come. Later that night, he said "Nightie-night, cute chenes. I guess today wasn't as good as what you expected. Anyways, sweet dreams mein liebling. Bukas nalang po 2:30 pm. See ya!! I love the way you love me. ;)"

Then april 5 came and it was a really, sunny(and sweaty) day. When i went down the autosupply, everything around me became so high-strung. I still have to nag T.Felda for my report card(since i needed it so badly for Ateneo) and i still have to look for a place to live in Katipunan. This day should be the day to forget my tension. To make my dad let me go to Lipa, i went down to our Autosupply earlier than usual and told dad that i need to be in Lipa at around 3 pm(so that dad will not think it's too early) .
But unfortunately, dad went down the autosupply at 3:30 (Omg...) and he went outside to get the car(Oh my gulay, why????). By then, Xurt tried to call me for the 4th time today. So everything around me became so constricted and frantic. To top it all off, my sister went to nag me about T.Felda as well as Mamay(who mentioned once that a cousin of his from Ateneo lives in a townhouse near the school), both of which were hard to talk to. While dad was outside to get the car, i was in the hot, humid autosupply, texting away t.Felda for my report card, attempting to call Mamay, withstanding my sister's irksome reminders and assuring an anxiously worried Xurt that i will come.

Then i finally arrived in the City Hall of Lipa after getting lost around Lipa and all with my sis. I arrived at around 4:30 or 5 something. As i entered the City Hall, i felt so paralyzed. Like i was aware that im about to die when i meet Xurt. While i climbed up the stairs, i began to think about a small Chinese lapida on the columbarium in Tseung Kwan O. It has a black and white picture of me(sporting a Bill Kaulitz look), some words written in Chinese and some maliliit like my Harry Potter toys and some cute, little food toys. Okay, so much for that. I entered a kind of auditorium, with loads of Lipa peeps around- even alumni like Kenneth(my js dance partner last year) and Tijae Tuazon. I was like..."So this is how Lipaers do their recognition days.". While I was hanging around with Gt-who was there because Ah Okay Keith is the guest speaker- Xurt suddenly popped out of nowhere behind me. He looked so handsome in his type A Boyscout uniform. If you lsaw me with Xurt during that time, you would describe us as "Some plain boyscout guy dating a weird, Bill Kaulitz-looking something".
Then we took a seat in a corner of the auditorium and we started to talk. There, we talked about our dreams in life, college, Ateneo, AMA, Wendy, Hong Kong, German, his dad, Abby, Karlo (di si Kuya Karlo)Matira, Winx Club(??? tang inang Winx Club na yan) and some other things. He told me that his dad never greeted him Happy birthday and treated him like scheisse on his birthday. Then he said that Karlo Matira had a huge crush on Abby(buti pa si Karlo, mas may magandang taste pa kesa sa kanya =p) and they plan to go to San Pablo one day and visit Abby and Wendy. Of course i was a bit sad because he never said he's going to visit me in San Pablo, but i knew he will. He asked me where in San Pablo i live and i told him in M.Paulino street, which is near the public market. In between talks, he goes on stage to receive his awards- i was so impressed that he won first place in both SPF English and Filipino versions as well as Speller of the Year(like me).

After some time, ate Ash told me that it's getting late so i have to leave the recognition. So i regretfully left Xurt. I stood up from my seat, hugged him(rather quite awkward) and expected to leave him there and walk alone downstairs. But he stood from his seat as well and went with me. "Time flies when we're having fun, don't you think?" i winked at him as we descended from the stairs of Lipa City Hall. When i saw my sister, i bid Xurt goodbye and gave him a hug again. This time, it was better and much longer. Then CJ Recto joined us and then i left them.

For me, the Lipa recognition was very light and very awesome indeed, something that made me a bit happy. The reason why i went there because of Xurt and a chance to escape the tindahan for a while(something that dad really condemn-lol). For Xurt, his recognition was something boring until i came along like a light in a dark tunnel.
Later that night, he told me that it was a very good day for him. He had been with a very sweet girl today. And someone who's very, very lovable, just gave him his first hug.
Then he asked me if i had my first hug. Uhh... okay, as if it was a huge, big deal. I have hugged a lot of guys before and it was no big deal for me, but for poor Xurt, it was his first time to be hugged by a girl. I was the first girl who gave him a hug and he thanked me for it and told me it was really sweet. He was shocked with my first hug(the awkward one) but thankfully no one saw it or else people will tease us. I told him the reason why i hugged him upstairs is that i don't think he'll escort me to my sister. He was planning to ask me for another hug when we got down but i gave him another one. He said that we made ourselves so happy. It's been a long time since he's been looking for his first hug and it was me all along. "expect the unexpected..." he quoted, i told him that Gt was my first hug with a guy(in Montessori. Kala daw ni Xurt kung sinong tinamaan ng kulog pa yun), then he mentioned that Cj has a huge liking on my sis. Hah, as if ate Ash will date someone whose name is the same with her ex. I gave Xurt the sweetest hug ever. He said that the lyrics to a song "and you'll never live until you love with all your heart and soul." is true. He then went on basta ingit lang talaga sila. Then the days went on and he couldn't get over my hug. He said that his eyes popped out when i first hugged him, then the second was very, very light. He was like "Good times last forever, i'll keep my heart with yours" and i swooned. We both complained to each other that our summer is a bit boring. He said that it would be better if im with him during those times, i couldn't disagree with him since im also thinking the same.

Then there was a girl called Kimberly Macalalad(who was Geelo's cousin). She had a huge crush on Xurt and after the graduation, she heard that i hugged him, causing her some pain in her heart. she was insanely jealous of me but she couldn't do anything to me. When she and Xurt talked about me, she was like "thanks sa pagiingit, good luck sa panliligaw sa kanya and such". Xurt couldn't understand why is she jealous of me. He kinda noticed that she got a crush on him since she always call him "Sweetheart" or "baby". Well i kinda understand her, especially in the coming, much more painful days that eventually came.

Some days after the recognition, Xurt went to tell me something about Wendy while i was eating in Max's with my dad and some of my cousins. He told me that Wendy sent a GM to him: if someone guessed what color is he/she wearing, then he/she would be his/her ture love. Tama ang hula nya kay Xurt pero mali naman sya. I told him that he must be in bad luck, then he agreed maybe it's bad luck but then again, he said that next school year, he and Karlo planned to go on the San Pablo graduation and there they'll gonna do their tactics.
From there, tears fell from my eyes but still i tried to pull myself together... he's in love, who am i to stop him from doing what he wants?? i told him that they got loads of other opportunities to woo out their sweeties- intams and most notably, retreat. Then Xurt asked me what if Karlo was teamed up with Wendy and he was teamed up with Abby instead? He will laugh, he said. Karlo was the best dude he ever met. When i couldn't stop the painful tears falling, i excused myself to the bathroom and there i went, to relieve myself, not urinally, but emotionally. I remember sobbing on a bathroom stall like Moaning Myrtle. Then out of the blue, i picked up a pen and my El Filibusterismo english version from my bag and started scribbling some random poem lines. I ended up writing a poem and got to finished it when i got home. It was a poem of melancholy and love rejected.

Even with writing a poem, i still couldn't let go of my pain completely. Even if we tried to diss out Keith Coral, i still couldn't forget the pain because either i'll remember what Xurt said about Wendy or Xurt will talk about her. Eventually, Wendy began to hurt me as well. She began to praise Xurt for being kind, almost perfect. I remember that was some hours before her birthday, and Xurt told me that he will try and make Wendy's bday a special day(to the point he stopped texting me for two days and had me whimpering in agony everywhere even on the autosupply shop).
But still, he was still showering me some sweet affection as if im the only girl he really liked. Xurt call me things like Darling, ate Chenes (kong cute) and some other. One time, he told me about what Wendy often call him, "Kuya Xurt ni Irish". He sends me quotes like "A pillow is like a friend. You can hug it when you're in trouble, u can cry on it when youre sad, u can embrace it when ur happyand you can kiss it when youre in love. I wish pillow mo nalang ako. hahahahahhaha. (in the end: kala mo pm nuh)"(i told him about my Harry pillow and then he said that Harry is so lucky, he wished that he was Harry instead), "Your smile is my salvation", "Those who do not understand true pain can never understand true peace", "The best thing about me..... is you" and "Never close your lips to those who have opened your heart"and he often tell me that im always by his side.
For him, a crush is more than a friend. He told me that im such an adorable Chinese- with my cute eyes, fair skin and wonderful bangs. He then confided to me that he thinks Keith is a douche and a gay coz he avoided me(not so gentlemanly) and frowned at me. If he was in Keith's place, he will never do that(and he will be heartbroken if Wendy was like Keith to him). Then on went the days when we were just only talking about other things like Tokio Hotel(he said he will download some TH songs so he'll get some new music on his mp3 player),Amber Pacific(his faves are if i fall, cant hold back) and our best friends. For him, i was someone who's super kind, supportive and a shoulder to lean on when he's sad.He's so lucky to have found a rare girl like me.

Then I remember Xurt told me that he had a nightmare one night about being in a swimming party. I was there, wearing a blue tshirt, talking to Gt and ignoring him. Then he felt sad because i was ignoring him. He must've been a seer- for he was a bit able to see premonitions that i will eventually feel for him. In his dreams, me wearing a blue tshirt and ignoring him surely signify my hidden desire to leave him out of my life when i reach college days. Then his other premonition was that he flirtingly asked me last recognition if my name was there in the Ave of the Stars in Tsim Sha Tsui(i told him to go there since i know he's a Jackie Chan fan). Little did i know that the poor, little boyscout who asked will eventually make me become Maggie Cheung, my fave Hong Kong actress whose name and handprints are on the famed avenue.
"bakit? nandun po ba kayo?" is a prophesy... Maggie Cheung, not only the actress who shared the same size of my hands. Isagani isn't a young Chinese woman, at least one of Maggie Cheung's many roles is one.
How did i become Maggie Cheung? simple. In 1990, Maggie Cheung was in a movie called "Days of being wild" by Wong Kar-Wai. The story revolves around a Filipino guy in Hong Kong called Yuddy who was raised by a Hong Kongian hooker. He seduced a shy, young Chinese woman called Su Li Zhen but he left her for a agogo dancer called Lulu(who was more like Yuddy's type). then he broke the heart of Lulu as well-i dunno why. Then the reason why he was a heartbreaker is that because he was lost to himself and he wants to know who his real mother is. Then he got to know from his adopted mother that his real mother was a rich Filipina and so he went off to the Philippines but he died there. Maggie Cheung played Su Li Zhen, the unfortunate Chinese who was left distraught by a Filipino guy. It was shown in the movie that after Yuddy left Li Zhen, Li Zhen was crying herself to sleep and couldn't think straight- much like me everytime Xurt talks about Wendy. Also, Li Zhen had a confidante who knew and comforted her about Yuddy. I, too, had a confidante during those miserable times. But unlike Li Zhen, this brought me into much trouble with my Ah Fei(Xurt my Yuddy, not my Jamie Wong).

Cj Recto was Xurt's evil classmate and "friend", remember that bloke? Anyway, i told Cj about my situation with Xurt one night when i was having one of my random, miserable spells of melancholy. Then i thought he would diss out on Xurt but i was wrong. He said that Xurt is hurting me like hell, with pain that is worse than being bitten by a lion or an elephant. I was like Xurt's pedestal when he is miserable about Wendy. I was his shoulder to cry on, and after being okay, he'll leave me alone. Then into the blue, i often end up as the sobbing, miserable, brokenhearted girl. Cj said he would wipe the tears off my face and comfort me if he was beside me. If he was Xurt, he wouldn't pick Wendy at all, he would pick me. I told Cj to keep this a secret to Xurt coz i want Xurt to know about this at the right time. Then Cj advised me not to keep this a secret from him, because it's better to say it straight to him now than hide the scar and deepen the pain. I listened to Cj, but i did not want to tell Xurt directly about it. I want Xurt to notice so he won't be surprised at all when i get all the guts to tell him. But still, i should've took Cj's whole advice.


Two days after Wendy's birthday, he texted me again after for what it seemed like years of not talking to me. He told me that I was the only girl who's very, very close to him yet. That's the reason why he likes me, im so tight with him. when he's with me, he feels like he's floating in the air. I make him laugh and smile. Im so sweet with him. Then i told him that i enjoy being with him. Then he asked how can we enjoy being with each other if we only met thrice? Then he said that if im his neighbor, then we would often get ant infestations. I asked him naively "Lumang Lipa got a lot of ants?? then it's a bit like Tagaytay..."(but i know that's not it).Then he explained, if we were neighbors, we're too sweet with each other that there'll always be an ant infestation in Lipa. Then here, he began to notice something wrong in me. He felt like my tone became a bit colder as if im not in a good mood to talk to him. He told me to tell it to him what bothers me because he's my friend. I shrugged it off and he asked me if im sure(was it a school problem, love life or any other), and i told him that im sure(even though im not). Then he was like "Ah okay..."(but not in a Keith Coral-ish way but more like Dee-Dee in Dexter's lab) and then he concluded that he's the one who's acting weird. I asked him where did he grew up, he said in Manila but he currently lives in Lipa. Then he asked me where i live in SPC. After answering that, i asked him where in Manila he once lived. His reply was in Blumentritt st, Dinalupihan st and Pampanga st. (so he's from Sampaloc- very "near" Loyola Heights!!!), he wasn't a true blue Lipaer but he lives in Lipa for 5 years already. Then i told him that i once thought what if he really came from Loyola Heights or Marikina (the former where im going to move in this june).
Then he told me that he planned to visit me in Loyola Heights when he's in college, he really missed talking to me. Then after that, he told me to "meme na" and take care.
Thursday came and he was running out of load, that's when i came to know that his favorite food is siu mai.

"i don't know why they call it heartbreak, but it feels like every part of my body is broken too." said the first part of Xurt's message and then he was "naghahamon ng katext na Chenes" at that time. I was feeling incorrigible(and probably suffering PMS) so i thought it was the perfect time to imply my misery. Who knows this might slip into his mind easier since we're on the same boat. I told him that what he said is true, for him everything malfunction and mangangalas lahat. At first he thought i was thinking about Keith again.Every time he thinks about Joshua Dionesio, it makes him feel depressed. I told him only one of his friends knew about it(he thought it was Angelou or Geelo-nope). Then we talked about his mom's dress(that i saw in one of her old pictures on fb- we're wearing the same dress) and the guy who was dancing with her(who looks like Xurt's dad). Xurt said that means i dress so simply if i dress like his mom. He doesn't want a style too flamboyant or OA. Then he told me that he's so much naaadik na kay Wendy that even his wallpaper is a photo of her(that lucky bitch... i cursed in my head as some tears fell from my eyes again), then he guessed that it was Dale or Karlo who knew(again no). Then he guessed that it was Cj all right who knew about my problem. He didn't expect that it was him because they weren't that much close with each other. He's just riding along his attitude.
I asked him if i made him feel so bad about it, he said nothing made him feel bad about me except when he judged my friends(Jonathan, Mark and Marlon) and misunderstood each other. He said the reason why he texted me so we'll have excitement and some happiness. Then i told him that my friends already forgave him(except Marlon perhaps) and they even tease me about you. Then he sent me a message by Karlo "IRISH DIAZ HA HA" and he told me that he replied back to him "ABBY MATIRA haha", he was glad that my friends forgave him already and makulit din pala sila. I said yes, and i also told him the "What if Xurt became the president of the Philippines" joke made by Jonathan and Mark as an example of their wittiness. Xurt LOLed and said it's okay just as long as only Jonathan, Mark and i know about it. Then he told me that the only stuff he knew about China is that one child policy, great wall, Confucianism and history.
Then i told him that i feel heartbroken too, and i told him my story but it doesn't indirectly say that the guy i was talking about was him. I asked him how will i treat the guy who broke my heart. He said i might treat him as a lower friend because of all the stuff he did to me. Ang sakit nga ng ganun, parang jealous ako(buti nga alam mo, bruha ka). He told me don't feel upset coz he also feels jealousy as well.

The following sunday, i woke up with a message from Xurt, asking me who broke my heart(he wanted to get this over with). I would eventually meet the real Xurt.
It was a day i will never forget about Xurt, the day his kind and caring self became cold and somewhat ruthless. Something that i really regret making him feel. He went berserk and told me things like he entrusted me his secret as well as Karlo's and they were top secret. He told me what kind of a person Cj is and in return i teamed up with him. When he told me that, i knew he was right. I betrayed the trust he gave me and all the guilt seemed to creep up on me. My conscience began to nag me hard and i couldn't be put into peace. As if i was suffering too much pain, the only way to stop the pain is to kill another person, the pain stopped after killing a person and there you have it, tons of guilt. During those times i was trying to defend what i did, i cried so much to the point my sister and some other people noticed it. I told him that the guy could possibly be him and he said that it would hurt him for real. Then i told him the truth, the whole truth and said sorry. I was sobbing so hard, it was really painful because i would get someone who's so kind and wonderful like Xurt hurt. Deep inside me, i shouted "Let him get hurt, he put me into this in the first place. Let karma do its thing" but much deeper inside me, i cried "Nooo, he's a really good friend and it would hurt me more if i hurt him".
Then he replied with something that seemed to signal as the end of our friendship, "You really should be sorry, u know why??!! i was hurt too!! knowing that the guy is me!!" All my guilt is equated with the tears that fell from my eyes that day, it was too much that it flooded the whole M Paulino like Ondoy came again. I decided to remain speechless, i couldnt think of anything to say and thought "... oh dear, this could be the end." I wasn't planning to talk to Xurt ever again nor expecting him to reply back, until some 10 minutes later, he said sorry too for his hurtful words. He was like we already talked about this Wendy issue before- we're only just puppy love. He was hurt too when he knew that the guy was him. So i was like, maybe i should talk to him again to clear things up, if he wanted me to go away, it's okay. If he still wanted to be friends with me, the better(probably). Thank goodness, it was the latter. Our friendship wasn't destroyed, it just got a small hole. Then he went on Cj was right, don't be afraid to let out the truth coz it's the best way to get better. Grabe, ang sakit ng naramdaman nya. He thought we might hate each other forever but i made things right(i explained some things from him yata), i was an unforgettable friend for him. He asked me if Cj knew that Xurt got a crush on Wendy, i said yes(AT LEAST I DIDN'T LIE, FILIBUSTER!!! >=P). Then he got a little bit angry, he chided "we just misunderstood each other again, ang tip ko po learn to keep secrets", he went on revealing his secrets breaks his trust. If only he knew what drove me into betraying him. If only i knew what my impulsiveness could lead me into. Then i told him my side, why i did it(of course, there's a reason behind everything we do). Then he understood my point and it makes sense. Now he cannot imagine showing his face to Cj or me. He felt like he's greedy, pathetic, fool, a bitch(he's not a girl), makapal ang mukha, ewan ko ba(according to him). I told him not to feel that bad about himself, everyone makes mistakes. Then he was like everyone makes mistakes, except for me because i always make mistakes. He was glad that nagkakaalaman na kami. He understood true peace now he understood true pain. I told him to keep his mind off that by doing fun things, but he went on "i can't do fun things right now. My dad is here. You know what, i fee; like i do not deserve to text you. Mahiyain po ako, kya eto super hiya na ako sa sarili ko."

Then later that night, Xurt rang and i answered my phone. He gave me some bits of sermon, he told me that it's better if i told him my pain directly instead of hiding it. And why he told me that he feels like a fool, pathetic, bitch(i told him he'll never be one coz he's a guy, duh) is that because he began to feel like he's becoming like his awful dad. He told me that his dad's a womanizer and he doesn't want to become like that. It's bringing his family into misery.

Speaking of dads and families, when my dad knew that i was heartbroken, he gave me a crappy sermon about dating and marriage. He told me that my rockin' sense of style turns off guys(wtf??) and he wished me to get married to a Chinese guy someday-if ever i'll get married. He'll make me find a guy using the traditional Chinese way of dating(i forgot the name of that Chinese tradition). Even though dad loves me a lot that's why he wants that for me, it's still weird since dad should not interfere completely with choosing my love. On these kinds of stuff, i should be the only one who should pick who i wanted to be with in life because im the only one who knew myself best. And why did dad marry mom if he wanted me to marry a Chinese only. How would he feel if my evil ahma or my wonderful angkong or both of them deprived him from marrying mom because she's a Filipino?
Then my yaya told me that my heart ache will soon get away, and then my ate Ash told me to look into Xurt's side of the story and analyze it all so i'll get more open minded. She said i should accept this with an open mind(understand what the other also thinks and why he thinks like that) and think Xurt will be okay even if i leave him.