Thursday, January 5, 2012

Paco- You are a song of my (Atenean) life

German classmate. Constant seat work partner. Nuisance. Friend. Close friend. Cold friend. Crush. Distant friend.

Paco Halili used to be one of my closest Atenean friends, but not close enough to be a considered as best friend. Yet strangely though, even if we've just been really good friends for more than a month, i've opened up a lot of things to him that not even JR Calderon or Jasmin Asi, my English block and block confidantes, knew about.

I've been struggling with his coldness and apathy for a very long time. Even friends with whom i never been so close with treated me better. HE TREATS ME AS IF I WAS JUST ONLY HIS GERMAN CLASSMATE WHOM HE RARELY TALKED TO, AS IF I JUST SO HAPPENED TO BE HIS GERMAN CLASSMATE AND NEVER EVEN BECAME WORKMATES IN A SEATWORK.

Now i wonder whether if Paco really did became my close friend and almost a lover? Or was it all just a trick of my mind or an act of God to punish and teach me a lesson by giving me a kinda unrelated but longer term effect from sneaking out of Katipunan some months back?

If everything about who Paco is in my life could be summed up in one song, it would be "Ni shi wo xin nei de yi shou ge" by Wang Lee Hom (feat. Selina Jen)

That song seemed to be a happy one, but the truth is, it's a really sad song, if it was fitted into my own context. To prove that this song really sums up my relationship with Paco, i will have to make an analysis about what contains in the song piece by piece and find the meaning of it all. Keep in mind that the song's persona is me due to the situation i have with Paco.

Since this is a song in which the language is not something i am familiar with, it's better to start first with analyzing the melody of the song. It's easier to explain the language in which anyone could interpret and know the meaning right away rather than language in which only some people understand. The sweet, innocent melody explains the emotional state i have for my classmate. The Chinese side of the song clearly puts emphasis on how different i am with him in terms of interests and habitus, therefore emphasizing how incompatible i could possibly be with him and how huge also is the possibility of unrequited feelings. This certain song is shorter than other contemporary pop songs since it's only about 2 and a half minutes long.The shortness of the song means that this feeling is short and it is bound to end. I also read somewhere on the internet that this song is only a cover of an old Hokkien song, whose artist's name is lost in history, that's how taken for granted the original song was to the point you aren't really sure of who sang that song, what happened or the exact meaning and context of the song, as much as i am unsure how on earth did Paco actually all of a sudden drifted away from me.
According to one of my close friends, it really puts how the song sounds in perspective with my situation,- it's not just the average sweet song that way, but it is also a mixed bag of emotions. It is not only sweet but also having a tinge of longing, hopelessness and finally acceptance. Another interesting thing to point out is that in the album where it came from, the song before it tells how music can be a safe refuge for everyone from the craziness of this world, from all the craziness and hard acceptance of Paco's treatment, music eventually became the one which made me understand him. And then the song which came after's title is called "Ai Zai Na Li", or in English, "Where is the love?"- a reference to what Paco wrote in my slumbook about his current situation with his personal life. In my slumbook, some of my friends have thought of Paco's answers as probably being sincerely so lonely and somewhat disillusioned about love, despite having Marc around all the time.

The lyrics, despite being in Hokkien, though is much of a dead giveaway since it's somewhat straightforward for the statements i really wanted to tell directly to him yet some metaphors given in the lyrics quickly captures the image of Paco and how he got me infatuated with him. Like i mentioned earlier, the lyrics were in Hokkien- the language that has been in my life for a very, very long time but has never bothered to take notice, learn and use the language. It was the language in which my Angkong lulls me to sleep as a baby, instead of calling me "bunso", they call me Shobe as i grew up, the language you have to speak when talking to non-English speaking Chinese relatives and to some extent, Aunty Shirley and Lily, and the language i never bothered learning at all. It was just when i was in college that i began to have some interest in the Fujian/Taiwanese culture but became too old to learn the language, unless i have to live in Xiamen or Taiwan. A language that seems to be almost subconscious for me until recently, just like my feelings for Paco. Hokkien could also be the personification of Paco himself, apparent in the early stage, but difficult to reach in the end.

"Li si wa sim na eh ji siu kua"
Xin jian kai qi hua yi duo

Ni shi wo sheng ming de yi shou ge
Xiang nian hui cheng yi tiao he

"You're the song within my heart
A flower bloomed within
You're the song of my life
nostalgia has converged into a river"

This first part of the song tells how Paco bloomed within my feelings from being that classmate who looks like Shnitzel from Chowder to full blast super crush. My feelings for him back then is like a flower bloomed from the inside- my feelings for him were more subconscious especially during the time we were German classmates. It slowly began to catch my attention especially when i was strong enough to have trust in other guys especially after being left broken hearted by Xurt.In fact, it was Paco's friendship and sudden withdrawal which snapped me out that i should begin to trust other people to be my crushes because if i don't, i will lose that huge chance for me to move on completely from Xurt, be a lot more bitter and might even drive away those people who deserve to love me and be loved back.
Since he made me more inclined with doing better in German and also in my other classes,he became a song in my Atenean life. According to my Fil 14 teacher, Dr. Michael Coroza, a song is one good way of remembering important things- it has rhythm and easier to follow. Paco is a song, in a way he also helps me not only remember how to do calculus stuff like chain rule, graphing... stuff(that's what was written on his notes on that topic, seriously!), integrals, integration by parts, etc. through his notes, but also he helps me remember what i should do in order to get away from my depression- study hard and well. And then all my memories of him, the nostalgia of German class and also the way he touched my hands, has converged into a river called "Illusions". After he was gone and treats me as a nobody, i began to question if he ever did become so close with me before. If my memories of him were just punishments made by my unconscious mind for still trying to pursue the friendship of Xurt in a very dangerous and super hurtful way(that it hurts not only me, my best friends, Paco but also my family).

"Liam zai wa sim na eh ji siu kua"
Bu yao zhi shi ge guo ke

Zai wo sheng ming liu xia yi shou ge
Yi shou ge
Bu lun jie ju hui ru he

A song remembered within my heart
Not just a passerby
Leaving behind a song in my life
Regardless of our ending

He is not like any other friends i ever made here in Ateneo.Because of him, he helped me finally close a chapter of my life, a chapter which deserves to be closed completely, even if he had to disappear as my friend afterwards.

Hao xiang wen ni
Dui wo dao di you mei you dong xin
Chen mo tai jiu
Zhu hui rang wo bu xiao xin fan cuo
Bu xiao xin fan cuo

Really want to ask you
If you've fallen for me yet
A silence too long
Will cause me to make a careless mistake

The last stanza (the chorus) is the most straightforward part of the song. Obviously, i was asking Paco if he ever did really fell for me. A question that seemed to be and will probably be lingering around in my head for a very long time as long as Paco still stayed to be as cold and indifferent as he is at present.
Since having a history with failed sense of restrain from provoking hostility from friends who seemed to disappeared(like my situation in highschool with Keith), i fear that if Paco keep his cold silence too long while i can't accept the fact he is a gone close friend, i might be able to provoke conflict and cause trouble with him, thus extinguishing our friendship that seemed to be meaningful. While i restrain myself from any emotional outbursts every time i see Paco with Marc, i do myself to pull myself together to accept the fact that i should let go of him and instead be happy for the fact that we could still be friends.

We could still might be friends, especially after Wang Lee Hom and Selina Jen reached the final chorus of my song- or in short, my infatuation ended, for Paco. Paco is such a good natured friend, judging from the apology he sent me through text after i gave him a candy cane with a letter that i miss him being as a friend. After all, they say that good friends are just like stars- they tend to hide in day time but if you need them in dark times, they'll always be there for you.

A post of longing

Before 2011 ended, my German 1 classmate and crush Paco Halili posted on his timeline on Facebook two like-things(that two of his friends had sent) in a post. I didn't liked(on facebook term) his post because i don't really want to know what he would say about me and it will be obvious for him that i like him(thus he will surely put on his New Years Resolution to avoid me at all cost). And there is also that temptation to copy his post, answer them and repost it on his page(which will even be apparent for him that i like him). If i were given the chance to do so, which means all his future judgement as well as others will be void, then i wouldv'e posted this:

Two like-things in one post! Because I am double-bored!

[x] I had a crush on you
[x] I like your profile picture
[x] You're cute
[ ] You're a stranger & that needs to change
[x] We need to talk more
[x] You're funny
[ ] I love you
[x] I miss you
[x] We should chill
[x] You've made me mad
[x] You make me smile
[x] I would hug you
[ ] I strongly dislike you >:)
[ ] I have no clue who you are
[ ] I dare you to put this as your status so i can like it .

You look like a :
[ ] Korean
[ ] Japanese
[ ] Chinese
[x] Eurasia
[x] Filipino

I would buy ___ for your birthday :
[x] anything you want that I can afford
[ ] candies
[ ] clothes
[ ] a bottle of alcohol
[ ] drugs
[ ] nothing

If we were together, I'd :
[ ] break up with you immediately
[x] text you good morning everyday to make your day
[x] bring you to watch shooting stars
[x] try to last long with you
[ ] meet you everyday
[ ] ewwwww
[x] LOL!

If I saw you with another guy/girl I would be :
[ ] very jealous
[ ] text you to ask where are you
[x] talk over and say hi

You are :
[ ] Pretty/handsome
[ ] above average
[ ] cute
[ ] normal
[ ] friendly
[ ] mean

[x] ... Ni shi wo xin nei de yi shou ge (Wang lee Hom feat Selina Jen)-lol.

I want you to :
[x] text me
[x] hangout with me
[x] meet me soon
[x] party with me
[x] chat with me
[ ] make this your status :)

All these a sign of longing for him, clearly unsatisfied with the way he disappeared from my life, and regretful with my own actions when he was still with me. But clearly, i fear doing him further harm and embarrassment to the point it will disrupt him and eventually whatever was left between us... but maybe this is inevitable in every person longing for someone special but took for granted once.
Quoting the Woman Doctor from one of Milan Kundera's short stories, "Unsatisfied women always bring bad luck."
... Not only women, but also men.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The ultimate BV of all... or maybe not :|

... no, im not going to talk or even rant about Xurt or Wendy any more. I mean they're totally out of my life. Even though the two most irritating, distracting and demented people in my life aside from dad are gone, i still find myself as demented, depressed and fucked up as i were during those times i was broken hearted. I know im not broken hearted since i don't have major problems so far with my crush, and main (unrequited) love interest, Paco, aside from finding time ask to hang out together to break the awkwardness. Even though i failed two subjects in one sem, i know i did my best to learn and perform as much as i could and at least i what matters is i learn and it strives for me to do better...

The most ultimate BVness of all, the cause of all my headaches, lack of peace in life, lack of reliance of thought and full of complications and distractions, is my sister.

Ever since she got over with crying about her ex-boyfriend, Karlo, her temper on the people she could control and lead- yaya and i- escalated in heights never reached before. Not a day with her would be complete without hearing a good scolding or reproof, no matter how huge or small our mistakes and sins were. Of course, lying about Xurt is a huge complicated mish-mash of sins which i regret committing against her and our family, but worried about the inactive Paco sim hanging out with a vampire sim will turn him into a vampire= jealousy??? C'mon!!! Is that even worth being rebuked about for being selosa? If she wants to reprimand me for being "selosa" she should've done it last year pa- when i went bananas over Kaye Macalalad or Wendy- at least that probably will save my relationship with Xurt even as friends. With my present love life, I don't even picture myself fully that i am in a dating relationship with real life Paco and i even feel a bit sad for Paco or Marc every time i saw one of them walking without the other.Even on facebook, i am not spared from being reprimanded by her. Just a moment ago, she replied to my post that Wang Lee Hom is annoying me in the vid. She told me that if im annoyed with it, i shouldn't watch it anymore and i am machochistic(maling spelling ko). Pati ba naman facebook ay papatulan nya ang mga katangahan ko??!!! God, i was just reposting my joke about Wang Lee Hom's vid and this is how i get from retelling an inside joke?? :|
It drives me into insanity than the sanity she intended for me.

And she always have to rely in many small things from me, small things that she could easily do without me. If i should be the one who always bring the keys of our condo, she shouldn't be complacent about bringing her own keys too just in case i lost or left it in Laguna. Emergencies are inevitable and we will never know when they will happen. She never also fails to make me feel bad with statements(direct or indirect) that i am selfish and i think of myself more than i think of her and other people in our family. And i really dislike the way she often had a hard time looking for her stuff like cigarettes or medications, and she would make yaya and i frantic into looking for them in her bag, room or whole condo.

I know she does a lot of things, even more than a sister could do, for me. Dissing her out like this is ungrateful and wrong. Plus, when she doesn't rebuke me out, she's okay and even really fun and nice to be with. And the reason why she is upbraiding me is because there are no longer anyone in a sound mind possible who would do so for me. My dad has a twisted sense of logic and maturity with loads of self bias which led me to countless useless suffering and regret, ate Gie had a family of her own and she has a kind of destructive and narrow tinge in her advices, yaya is too immature and is even a bad influence for me, Ahma almost has the same twisted sense of logic and maturity as my dad. But due to her super neurotic and perfectionist nature, even the smallest mistakes i get to be berated most of the time. All these years of growing up, countless of people-especially my mom- tell me that being berated is a really good thing, no matter how bad you will feel, since it shows the person who berates you cares about you. But like just about every good thing on earth, being berated too much is also a bad thing. Pyschologically speaking, when you berate, usually it is a punishment for the person you are berating to. It discourages someone into doing something. No one enjoys being scolded, and especially getting into the painful and humiliating process on a daily basis. But i have to understand her no matter how much it is demeaning and stupid.

Here's to a happy thanksgiving day to everyone, especially to ate ash!!! :)

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Duuuude... what the f???

I had this feeling that i've been cursed, jinxed or being controlled by a supernatural force lately, especially the last weeks of july up until our math 19 midterms- the period when i went to visit Tita Aubrey two times. Whenever i study or do outputs for my studies, there is always something blocking my way on working- announced ahead things which i will get to know on the day i would be dead, personal issues, mental block, . It's been about two times since i see a long test paper a low result with "see me after class" remark, and more than about five times seeing horribly low results on my long tests.

As i wonder about the mystery of my sudden drop in grades. I study a bit, yet there are also times when i feel a bit burned out with what i am doing. Like i often procrastinate, and i believe this is really bad. When i try or really do study, there comes those issues which i cannot control on when they have to appear.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

My English 12 Reflection Paper draft

Irish Mae B. Domingo
EN 12 (R39)

Every time you lose the things that are valuable in your life, life becomes depressing and heavy as if you carry the world and all the planets in the solar system with your hands, especially if the one you lost is the person who once kept your feet firmly to the ground and made you feel like living in this world is a beautiful thing. Amidst the pain, you wonder why it seems so hard for you to move on from the pain as easy as your special someone left you in your life, and you also wonder why can’t you forget the sorrow as abruptly as the way your love forget every single thing about you. Probably, in everyone’s case, it would be because all the memories, words and happiness shared together with their loves still hangs on and often return to haunt them to give hope of their love’s return.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

And im like "Fuck you..."

Yeah... it's official, Xurt and Wendy are "mag on" or aka together now. Yes, i cried all night the moment i heard the news but eventually i became alright. I bet Wendy's posse, Abby, Elyzza and Kassel, were so proud with their achievement of helping out Wendy win over Xurt that their testosterone and pride were satisfied for an hour and in Abby and Kassel's part, they were prouder of this so-called achievement than the fact they both passed the UPCAT. As the months go by, i see them professing their love for each other by their profile pics (In Wendy's pic, she was like wearing a "Diaz" shirt and Xurt with both hands with fingers forming "W"). One of Xurt's pics even made Xurt look like a jerk in the current Third Year's way of thinking. Their judgment over poor Xurt was really harsh that they call him "Wow Ulam". I feel quite sad for him that i wanted to lash back at them "So, kung yun naman ang gusto ni Xurt na iparating kay Wendy na pagmamahal, pabayaan nyo nalang sya". And last, last, last(i dunno, but it coincided with my mom's third death anniversary when i saw it) week, i found out that i was being unfriended by Xurt on FB. It turned out that Xurt and Wendy had an argument about me, according to Dale when i told him the miserable thing that happened. I never poked into their monkey business ever since they've hooked up, why on earth will they fight over me and eventually have me unfriended by Xurt?! By the way Xurt treated me, they probably had a fight really much intense that i never such had when i was still the apple of Xurt's seemingly Chinese eyes- According to my Lit 14 prof yesterday, your crush or significant other usually share a lot of characteristics that you like with your mom(if youre a guy) or your dad(if you're a girl). That thing is called "Oedipus Complex". It was probably much more intense than the "Kaye issue" we had before. Speaking of Kaye, i remember when i still knew his password, i came upon his messages and one of his messages(dating from march 2010) was from Kaye Macalalad, his old crush. Kaye got a boyfriend in Switzerland, which left Xurt devastated. When Xurt found out that she got a boyfriend, she said sorry to him. And while he was having a broken heart, he told Kim Macalalad, his friend who got a crush on him back then, told her of his woes. After all of what happened to them, they still remained friends.
It could be terribly hard for Xurt back then, but if he was to read this blog post right now(which i think he will never do), he would tell me that i will eventually find a guy better than him just like what happened to him with Kaye(pshhh... Kaye is WAY BETTER than Wendy). His problem back then is probably nothing compared with the way he is treating me now. When he hooked up with Wendy, unlike Kaye, he doesn't mind those around him. When Kaye hooked up with her boyfriend, she said sorry to Xurt. When he hooked up with Wendy, unlike Kaye, i got unfriended. When Kaye hooked up with her boyfriend, she did not unfriend Xurt. The only person i know that he unfriended was his father, so if he's treating me the way he's treating his father, then i would treat him they way i treat my father. He might say if ever he knew how i reacted with this shit of his, "I did this because Wendy is super way better than you, that you are a notorious "Selosa" that you made selos on Kaye and Wendy while Wendy only became selosa on you, and why would I go back to you? blah bla blah blah blah blah..."
It's not the point, the number of the people i've been jealous with doesn't matter but it's how we dealt with the issues thrown at us. My jealousy with Kaye went away when Xurt once told me that he and Kaye are not compatible enough while me and him are compatible. After him saying that, i don't feel heavy and troubled about Kaye anymore. And that peace of mind had no unfriending and frenzied downpour of affection with lots of effort in Xurt's part involved.

It could be a bit immature to do so, but i felt that this is the way to get over him once and for all. And it will not be as harsh as the third years'. I plan to write on my reflection paper about my heartbreak with Xurt and how i am making progress in getting over him. I will write as if he will not come back and i will write all my heart out just to get myself a B+ or an A and move on as i move on with my bleak but interesting freshman year. After all, a reflection paper is all about pouring in your feelings to make yourself feel better.

Chapter 9- "How I met Johannes"

Chapter 9- "How I met Johannes"
Original title: "How Johannes met Aslana"

Two weeks had passed since Jamie and her dad Percy arrived in England. They already went as far as Edinburgh in Scotland. Jamie was still calling Raimund regularly, she even rang him while she was in the Buckingham Palace some two days after she went to Diagon Alley. Raimund was staying over at his cousin Veronica at her apartment in Charlottenburg in Berlin for a week. Sometimes aunt Cho would come along with them and show them around her favorite places to go in England, from muggle shopping centres in Glasgow to wonderful wizarding places like Godric's Hollow. In about two weeks, Jamie will have to say goodbye to hes dad, Raimund, Aslana and Johannes(in Jamie's relief) and her sort of afflicted life living like a muggle.

"Dad, how can i explain this to Raimund and the others?" Jamie asked her dad as they were driving with aunt Cho around London on a clear but cloudy afternoon. Jamie never told about this to her friends, even to her best friend Raimund. But she must find a potential excuse why she is leaving them behind in Hamburg to study in a British wizarding school. Raimund might will sad when she'll announce this to him, since Jamie is his only closest best friend for years and the only female friend that he can open up his feminine side with. They'd been together through tears and laughter for many years and they loved each other like siblings so that made Jamie worry about Raimund when she is gone even if she's away for probably a year, what will happen to Raimund? she badly thought.
"Hun, are you worried about Raimund?" Percy concernly asked because he feels like Jamie was worried about her long time best friend. "Who's Raimund?" aunt Cho asked curiously, "Jamie's muggle best friend from Hamburg." Percy said, then Jamie turned her head at him and nodded. "Well, don't worry about him. i'll just tell him that you're going to an English boarding school that is very isolated and got no internet connection. instead i'll tell him that if he got something that he needs to tell or bring you, he'll have to write you a letter or put in a parcel and give it to me. If he asked the address of the school, i'll just tell him that the school is very strict that parents are the only ones who are allowed to write to the students." Percy said, then aunt Cho added "But a lot of changes happened in the wizarding world that now you can surf the internet in Hogsmeade but you can't send an "email" to a muggle for security reasons.", "Gosh, i didn't know that..." Percy said and at the same time snapped his right fingers.

Night time came and Jamie was again surfing the internet in her macbook inside the hotel room. Everytime she would surf the internet, her heart pounds fast, her palms sweat and feel heavy on the inside especially when she is seeing the primary photo of Aslana in the arms of Johannes in her myspace. Even though, surfing the internet is a very painful thing to do for Jamie at the moment, she feels like she needed to surf the internet before she'll move away to Hogwarts-where her muggle gadgets like her macbook and T moble sidekick II would go haywire. Then some 15 minutes later, Jamie read on her myspace home that a new blog post was added on Aslana's myspace blog. Then, in a mad rush of curiousity and jealousy, Jamie quickly went to Aslana's blog and read it, her heart beats faster and her palms sweated more. Oh my gosh, (not) another blog post about Johannes!!! Jamie thought. Indeed, it was another blog post about Johannes, and there are so many comments on the blog post. and mind you that they are hate comments from angry and ignorant fans of Johannes, those who refused to believe and accept the hard truth about Johannes eventually having a girlfriend after more than five years since he became famous. Maybe everybody knows now that they're together? Jamie wondered. then she opened another tab in her browser and looked for "Johannes Trümper" in google. It was really true that Johannes had a girlfriend and it was really Aslana. The German news Bild announces it, as well the French celebrity tabloids, and of course, an article on Johannes by Bravo-a German teens magazine. Jamie might have never heard of these news since she was in England for two weeks and Die Argyles arent that much big in that country compared to France and Germany, but she never feel overwhelmed now that the news had now leaked across and confirmed. Jamie also feels sorry for the girls who just got to know this sad news that she knows for a long time. She went back to Aslana's blog and read the new blog post:

"How Johannes met Aslana"
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Now everyone knows that me and the very famous Johannes Trümper are together, but no one knows how and why we met and how we got together. now ladies and gentlemen, read along the story of how Johannes met and fell for me.

It all started in Hamburg some months ago when my friends Denise and Mara are clubbing along in St. Pauli when Johannes and his band, Die Argyles, went there after their hard-rocking, sold-out concert in Hamburg. While i was strutting out on the dance floor and my friends are drinking Margaritas and flirting out with some guys, Johannes went to the dance floor after drinking some cocktails in the bar. Of course im been such a big fan of his, i took this oppotunity to talk to him in person. He was there, wearing an Ed Hardy tshirt, a black Faith Connection cap, black Diesel jeans and Chanel shades with his hair down so many can't recognize him but i did. i went up near him and said "hi". he was having a frown upon his face until my cheerful "hi" made him smile and told me "hi" as well. then he asked me to dance with him and of course, i said yes so we danced around the floor, me lap dancing around him. Then my friends left early with their dates and (thankfully) Johannes' drunk and foolish bandmates, so that leaves only me and Johannes. Johannes brought me a drink and then we talked about things in our lives for hours. That is when i first got to know the shocking truth that Johannes has been ill-treated by his attention-seeking bandmates and greedy management. like i said on my last post, i feel sorry for Johannes with his bandmates, management, fans, paparazzis and such(the hell with them!!!). Speaking of hell-worthy fans, i told him about his other fans being obsessed with him like my freaky little schoolmate who calls herself Jamie from China or something(i think her real name is some Chinese something that is confusing as Confucius). i told Johannes that she thinks she can stand a chance with Johannes but hell no, she is wrong!! Johannes told me that he hates girls who are so like her- super ambitious, arrogant, smells like math books with joss incense and ... just plain weird. he said that her head is like hanging above the clouds like she feels she'll eventually become his girlfriend. "duh, as if she's my type, she definately not my type!!! what a stupid, little b*tch she is!" Johannes said as he drank his vodka sunrise, "Im so glad i never met her... i bet she's one of the worst lookin' girls i'll ever see in my whole entire life. i never knew there are fans as worse as her. if the other fans are so bad enough-chasing me around the malls, fainting when they see me, and other stupid things- what's more if i come across her?! anyway, i hate all of them-those fans, bleeh...." he added.
Then he took me in his hotel room and there i discovered Johannes, not androgynous and charming Johannes Trümper of Die Argyles who often appear on Viva or MTV on my TV. we first had a very hot and sensual make-out with each other by the bed. and then, we made love. my skin touches his and it was blissful. my old obsession turned into something i might preferably call love. Even though the Johannes that im always crazy about is different from this Johannes, i think im falling head over feet for him and i know he feels the same way.

Currently listening to: Lucky(DJ Kamikaze version) Britney Spears

"See i told you Johannes is lashing you out as well!!!" Percy angrily said as he got to read Aslana's blog post in Jamie's macbook, he was furious especially with Johannes' unfair judgement over Jamie. Jamie was uncontrollably sobbing on her aunt's shoulders for the past ten minutes since she read Aslana's tragic news about her. "There, there least he haven't said something worse than that... " Aunt Cho affectionately said. "My daughter never did anything bad to him and he never knew her in person as well so how dare he to call my Jamie something as harsh as that!!!" he exclaimed, his face very red with anger. "Perce, just calm down... only God can judge people. in fact i bet that Johannes was really insensitive and unethical...", "...or this Aslana had put some magic involved in this. She might have used Amortentia in Johannes' drink, magically modified the picture or any other things that made this look real." Aunt Cho suspected, making Percy and Jamie turn their heads on her as if she said something that makes her sound as if she was crazy and out of her mind. "What?! but Aslana's a muggle, auntie..." Jamie tearfully exclaimed " that means the former is more acceptable, it's more credible than the latter." she added. "Absolutely not..." Cho said, "Sometimes, wizards aren't allowed to call themselves as wizards to other fellow wizards especially if one is of minor age and has been punished by the Ministry of Magic for almost doing something as bad as throwing off an unforgivable curse. i know that is implemented by the German Ministry of Magic."
in Germany, you can do magic at muggle places just as long as you can explain or make a credible excuse to a muggle if one witnessed magic being done, like in Jamie's case when she opened her house's door with Raimund.
"Probably true. but Aslana- a witch? no way, nah-uh!!" Jamie bellowed. "Calm down Jamie, it doesn't mean what i said is true... i just kinda feel like Aslana is probably a witch. This news just popped out of nowhere and i read in Die Argyles' fan forums that no one, not even the management ever saw Johannes being with Aslana and there is no proof that Johannes himself confirmed it. So Aslana's prolly making this up-", "-what about the pictures?! some months ago, i saw her holding up a picture with her and Johannes in our school.", "Listen Jamie, i hate to tell you this but maybe she modified a picture with magic, so get it?" Aunt Cho exclaimed, then there was a moment of silence among Jamie, Percy and aunt Cho.

"Anyway, i really wished i never became a fan of Johannes at all. i regretted it very deep ...i wish i never been... so he wouldn't have those stupid, little, b*tches like me for fans. but it's a shame that one part of my life he gave me a kind of emotional gift with his songs when i was still trying to adjust with my strange, new life in Germany and especially the loss of my mum back in China. his poignant but powerful music assured me everything will be alright even if my life was flipped upside down... his sense of style made me feel that i am not the only one who is sporting my own style that used to be mocked at before Johannes became famous, therefore not making me feel weird anymore, his fashion sense is almost same as mine. and the kindness and gratefulness he showed for his fans in his interviews, concerts and such- made me feel that im important to him as a fan.... but all of these..." Jamie bellowed, making Percy and Cho look at each other with sympathy for a shamelessly sobbing Jamie in front of them. "Although Aslana was also infatuated with him from the start, it didn't stopped me from liking him and his music, but now i know the truth- Johannes is not real. he's just an act played by a poor but insensitive guy who.... just played out with my feelings and with loads of other fans." Jamie sniffled and wiped her tears, finally confessing all her chagrin and anguish out.

"Jamie, i am so sorry about Johannes." Raimund said on the phone as he and Jamie talked, "I already know about this ever since you arrived in London. i was in Berlin with my cousin Veronica at that time you called from Buckingham remember? As i opened my myspace that morning, well i was really mad when i read that, now i really hate Die Argyles and especially Johannes for calling you that. im not sure with Henri, Dean and Inah, prolly when they got to know this they'll start to hate him too. thought you might get hurt at the wrong time when i told you about Aslana's horrendous blog post. what a git Johannes is that told Aslana you're that, just don't get too depressed by what he said, it doesn't matter. i was kinda planning to tell you about it after you come back here but you got to know." , "i won't be coming back here for long really..." Jamie bitterly said, then Raimund gasped loudly and then there was a moment of silence. "What?! why... how come?" Raimund asked, his trembling voice and difficulty of finding words to say made it obvious that he was shocked by the news. "Long story, but one day i received a letter from a British boarding school that i was accepted in their school, i never took any tests though, in fact i never sent anything to them.", "Maybe it was sent to you by mistake...", "No, it was addressed to me- Jamie Chariss Wong- obviously there are no other Jamie Chariss Wong in this world other than me right?", "So, i'll never get to see you again for how long?" Raimund asked in a woeful voice, "maybe about a year, i promise i'll be back in summer or if im lucky, earlier than that- on Christmas break. C'mon you're not the only one who's sad about this-im also sad about it because we'll gonna be separated but don't you worry i'll write to you every week if i can. Dad will just give the letter to you coz only parents can write to students there, and if you had something for me, just hand it over to dad and he'll send it for me.", "then that's good..." Raimund said, " i understand everything, but im gonna miss you, Jamie." he added, his voice getting back to it's cheery self. whew... what a relief, Jamie thought. "and im gonna miss you too, Raims." she sweetly said.

Two weeks passed, Jamie was on Kings' Cross station with her dad and Aunt Cho on a monday morning. Jamie was pulling her trolley and Harry was sleeping soundly on the top of the trunk. "Sigh, september 1. this is it..." Jamie said as they come near platforms 9 and 10. In Germany there are also magical platforms like on old train stations in Munich, Berlin, Leipzig and Halle as well as subway stations in Kowloon leading to magical places like Hogwarts. Harry opened his green eyes and jumped over the trunk to aunt Cho's arms as Jamie prepared herself to run into platforms 9 3/4. she closed her eyes, counted one to three and ran as fast as she could. she opened her eyes and discovered herself to be in an old, Victorian train station full of witches and wizards but this time, it's also full of young, teenaged wizards like her and a very old fashioned train that had a sign "Hogwarts Express". Jamie gave her trolley to her dad and he unloaded it on the train and aunt Cho gave Harry back to Jamie. "You take care of yourself..." aunt Cho smiled, "Of course, i would...", "I can't believe it, my little Jamie is moving away from me for the first time, but hey at least you're 16 and two years from now you'll be an adult but don't fret Jamie dear, when i go home i might kick Johannes' arse faster than he can say "Nach Dir Kommt Nichts", or maybe not. But surely i'll make you and Raimund keep in touch with as much as possible." Percy assured, aunt Cho laughed and then said "Just forget about him and all those things. man, you really needed a break away from them. don't try to remember those things while you're in Hogwarts okay?", "Okay auntie, you'll write to me as well?", "ah of course, i'll be writing regularly, asking how are you doing there." Cho said, then the clock striked 11 and the train began to move, "Okay, bye dad... bye aunt Cho... see you maybe on the Christmas break or surely in summer." Jamie waved to them as she climbed inside the packed train, she made her way to the crowd and peered in a window, her dad and aunt waving at her and she waved back. moments later, Percy and Cho turned back and apparated after the Hogwarts train moves away from platform 9 3/4. Jamie carried her cat Harry on her left arm and then she quickly found an empty compartment. She sat by the windows and saw the scenery of London moving a bit fast. She then thought at least she's about to forsake her problems living life like a muggle. she's about to abandon Aslana, Johannes and their menacing friends and forget about them but Jamie also have to say goodbye to her faithful friends like Raimund, Henri, Dean and Inah but she won't have to forget about them at all. Feeling half eager but half anxious, she wondered what fate would bring her when she goes to start her new life in Hogwarts. of course there will be the good and the bad things but she wondered what are those in Hogwarts. She leaned her head on the glass and contemplated about how will her life be in Hogwarts as the train moved fast leaving the city of London behind, into the vast and green English contryside.