Thursday, January 5, 2012

Paco- You are a song of my (Atenean) life

German classmate. Constant seat work partner. Nuisance. Friend. Close friend. Cold friend. Crush. Distant friend.

Paco Halili used to be one of my closest Atenean friends, but not close enough to be a considered as best friend. Yet strangely though, even if we've just been really good friends for more than a month, i've opened up a lot of things to him that not even JR Calderon or Jasmin Asi, my English block and block confidantes, knew about.

I've been struggling with his coldness and apathy for a very long time. Even friends with whom i never been so close with treated me better. HE TREATS ME AS IF I WAS JUST ONLY HIS GERMAN CLASSMATE WHOM HE RARELY TALKED TO, AS IF I JUST SO HAPPENED TO BE HIS GERMAN CLASSMATE AND NEVER EVEN BECAME WORKMATES IN A SEATWORK.

Now i wonder whether if Paco really did became my close friend and almost a lover? Or was it all just a trick of my mind or an act of God to punish and teach me a lesson by giving me a kinda unrelated but longer term effect from sneaking out of Katipunan some months back?







If everything about who Paco is in my life could be summed up in one song, it would be "Ni shi wo xin nei de yi shou ge" by Wang Lee Hom (feat. Selina Jen)















That song seemed to be a happy one, but the truth is, it's a really sad song, if it was fitted into my own context. To prove that this song really sums up my relationship with Paco, i will have to make an analysis about what contains in the song piece by piece and find the meaning of it all. Keep in mind that the song's persona is me due to the situation i have with Paco.

Since this is a song in which the language is not something i am familiar with, it's better to start first with analyzing the melody of the song. It's easier to explain the language in which anyone could interpret and know the meaning right away rather than language in which only some people understand. The sweet, innocent melody explains the emotional state i have for my classmate. The Chinese side of the song clearly puts emphasis on how different i am with him in terms of interests and habitus, therefore emphasizing how incompatible i could possibly be with him and how huge also is the possibility of unrequited feelings. This certain song is shorter than other contemporary pop songs since it's only about 2 and a half minutes long.The shortness of the song means that this feeling is short and it is bound to end. I also read somewhere on the internet that this song is only a cover of an old Hokkien song, whose artist's name is lost in history, that's how taken for granted the original song was to the point you aren't really sure of who sang that song, what happened or the exact meaning and context of the song, as much as i am unsure how on earth did Paco actually all of a sudden drifted away from me.
According to one of my close friends, it really puts how the song sounds in perspective with my situation,- it's not just the average sweet song that way, but it is also a mixed bag of emotions. It is not only sweet but also having a tinge of longing, hopelessness and finally acceptance. Another interesting thing to point out is that in the album where it came from, the song before it tells how music can be a safe refuge for everyone from the craziness of this world, from all the craziness and hard acceptance of Paco's treatment, music eventually became the one which made me understand him. And then the song which came after's title is called "Ai Zai Na Li", or in English, "Where is the love?"- a reference to what Paco wrote in my slumbook about his current situation with his personal life. In my slumbook, some of my friends have thought of Paco's answers as probably being sincerely so lonely and somewhat disillusioned about love, despite having Marc around all the time.

The lyrics, despite being in Hokkien, though is much of a dead giveaway since it's somewhat straightforward for the statements i really wanted to tell directly to him yet some metaphors given in the lyrics quickly captures the image of Paco and how he got me infatuated with him. Like i mentioned earlier, the lyrics were in Hokkien- the language that has been in my life for a very, very long time but has never bothered to take notice, learn and use the language. It was the language in which my Angkong lulls me to sleep as a baby, instead of calling me "bunso", they call me Shobe as i grew up, the language you have to speak when talking to non-English speaking Chinese relatives and to some extent, Aunty Shirley and Lily, and the language i never bothered learning at all. It was just when i was in college that i began to have some interest in the Fujian/Taiwanese culture but became too old to learn the language, unless i have to live in Xiamen or Taiwan. A language that seems to be almost subconscious for me until recently, just like my feelings for Paco. Hokkien could also be the personification of Paco himself, apparent in the early stage, but difficult to reach in the end.


"Li si wa sim na eh ji siu kua"
Xin jian kai qi hua yi duo

Ni shi wo sheng ming de yi shou ge
Xiang nian hui cheng yi tiao he


"You're the song within my heart
A flower bloomed within
You're the song of my life
nostalgia has converged into a river"


This first part of the song tells how Paco bloomed within my feelings from being that classmate who looks like Shnitzel from Chowder to full blast super crush. My feelings for him back then is like a flower bloomed from the inside- my feelings for him were more subconscious especially during the time we were German classmates. It slowly began to catch my attention especially when i was strong enough to have trust in other guys especially after being left broken hearted by Xurt.In fact, it was Paco's friendship and sudden withdrawal which snapped me out that i should begin to trust other people to be my crushes because if i don't, i will lose that huge chance for me to move on completely from Xurt, be a lot more bitter and might even drive away those people who deserve to love me and be loved back.
Since he made me more inclined with doing better in German and also in my other classes,he became a song in my Atenean life. According to my Fil 14 teacher, Dr. Michael Coroza, a song is one good way of remembering important things- it has rhythm and easier to follow. Paco is a song, in a way he also helps me not only remember how to do calculus stuff like chain rule, graphing... stuff(that's what was written on his notes on that topic, seriously!), integrals, integration by parts, etc. through his notes, but also he helps me remember what i should do in order to get away from my depression- study hard and well. And then all my memories of him, the nostalgia of German class and also the way he touched my hands, has converged into a river called "Illusions". After he was gone and treats me as a nobody, i began to question if he ever did become so close with me before. If my memories of him were just punishments made by my unconscious mind for still trying to pursue the friendship of Xurt in a very dangerous and super hurtful way(that it hurts not only me, my best friends, Paco but also my family).

"Liam zai wa sim na eh ji siu kua"
Bu yao zhi shi ge guo ke

Zai wo sheng ming liu xia yi shou ge
Yi shou ge
Bu lun jie ju hui ru he



A song remembered within my heart
Not just a passerby
Leaving behind a song in my life
Regardless of our ending


He is not like any other friends i ever made here in Ateneo.Because of him, he helped me finally close a chapter of my life, a chapter which deserves to be closed completely, even if he had to disappear as my friend afterwards.


Hao xiang wen ni
Dui wo dao di you mei you dong xin
Chen mo tai jiu
Zhu hui rang wo bu xiao xin fan cuo
Bu xiao xin fan cuo



Really want to ask you
If you've fallen for me yet
A silence too long
Will cause me to make a careless mistake


The last stanza (the chorus) is the most straightforward part of the song. Obviously, i was asking Paco if he ever did really fell for me. A question that seemed to be and will probably be lingering around in my head for a very long time as long as Paco still stayed to be as cold and indifferent as he is at present.
Since having a history with failed sense of restrain from provoking hostility from friends who seemed to disappeared(like my situation in highschool with Keith), i fear that if Paco keep his cold silence too long while i can't accept the fact he is a gone close friend, i might be able to provoke conflict and cause trouble with him, thus extinguishing our friendship that seemed to be meaningful. While i restrain myself from any emotional outbursts every time i see Paco with Marc, i do myself to pull myself together to accept the fact that i should let go of him and instead be happy for the fact that we could still be friends.

We could still might be friends, especially after Wang Lee Hom and Selina Jen reached the final chorus of my song- or in short, my infatuation ended, for Paco. Paco is such a good natured friend, judging from the apology he sent me through text after i gave him a candy cane with a letter that i miss him being as a friend. After all, they say that good friends are just like stars- they tend to hide in day time but if you need them in dark times, they'll always be there for you.

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