The unbearable seach and lightness of being

It has been almost a week since i bid my farewell to Xurt as his lover and it was a feeling that made me feel so light and free for the first time but at the same time so unbearable. It has been almost a week too when i first read the first part of Milan Kundera's book "The Unbearable Lightness of being" in which it explains what lightness/heaviness is and the myth of eternal return- both of which fit my situation. Also, a few days before that, i read some things in Edgar Calabia Samar's book "Ang mga diwata ng pagkahulog" that startled me as well

My love for Xurt was a really beautiful kind of love- it was so sweet, secure and as soft as marshmallow. But that love was being weighed down with jealousy, distrust, betrayal of oneself and the stress of a long distant relationship(even though we never become each other). Sadly though, there came a time when his affections were transferred back to Wendy and i have to exit out of his love life. All was left was nothing but the beauty of the memory of the love we had and friendship without much interaction(as if the last time we talked was the JS and we just hanged out as...friends). Before, i was being weighted down with problems, misery and pain, all because i longed for the burden of his embrace. Then there was lightness at last but it was unbearable. It was unbearable because the beauty of my love for him keeps on coming back but the guy who used to love me too will never come back. When we experience something, they are not that special or we take for granted those that are actually happening to us and we often treat them as burdens or things that weigh us down. But when we lose the things that brings us down to earth, we tend to feel as light as air but we began to feel the burden of losing those things that makes us closer to earth. All that remained is the beauty and the preciousness of the things we lost and so painful that we wish that they will come back to us.

"Hindi na natin madadaanan ang mga daan na hindi natin pinili. Kung gayon man, ang mga pangyayari ay paulit ulit kahit pa masabi natin na umuunlad tayo. Sa una, mukhang magkakaiba ang ibig sabihin ng mga pangyayari pero iisa lamang sila." and "Pag ang mga tao ay may hinahanap, iba ang nahahanap nila pero sa huli masaya pa rin sila"- pinsan ni kevin

It's like i found the friend i lost a long time ago but now i lost the lover i found in the friend i was long looking for. When i decided to give up, let go and move on, it was certainly like my last sportsfest. I searched among the crowd from Lipa for any signs of my two peeps but i gave up because what is the use of looking for some people whom you don't recognize anymore and don't even know their last names. But the only difference was that i have no terrible feeling with giving up the search(only pagkahinayang)and it took me a second to decide to find them again or just give up.


... Bahala na si Saint Iggy. :|