... no, im not going to talk or even rant about Xurt or Wendy any more. I mean they're totally out of my life. Even though the two most irritating, distracting and demented people in my life aside from dad are gone, i still find myself as demented, depressed and fucked up as i were during those times i was broken hearted. I know im not broken hearted since i don't have major problems so far with my crush, and main (unrequited) love interest, Paco, aside from finding time ask to hang out together to break the awkwardness. Even though i failed two subjects in one sem, i know i did my best to learn and perform as much as i could and at least i what matters is i learn and it strives for me to do better...
The most ultimate BVness of all, the cause of all my headaches, lack of peace in life, lack of reliance of thought and full of complications and distractions, is my sister.
Ever since she got over with crying about her ex-boyfriend, Karlo, her temper on the people she could control and lead- yaya and i- escalated in heights never reached before. Not a day with her would be complete without hearing a good scolding or reproof, no matter how huge or small our mistakes and sins were. Of course, lying about Xurt is a huge complicated mish-mash of sins which i regret committing against her and our family, but worried about the inactive Paco sim hanging out with a vampire sim will turn him into a vampire= jealousy??? C'mon!!! Is that even worth being rebuked about for being selosa? If she wants to reprimand me for being "selosa" she should've done it last year pa- when i went bananas over Kaye Macalalad or Wendy- at least that probably will save my relationship with Xurt even as friends. With my present love life, I don't even picture myself fully that i am in a dating relationship with real life Paco and i even feel a bit sad for Paco or Marc every time i saw one of them walking without the other.Even on facebook, i am not spared from being reprimanded by her. Just a moment ago, she replied to my post that Wang Lee Hom is annoying me in the vid. She told me that if im annoyed with it, i shouldn't watch it anymore and i am machochistic(maling spelling ko). Pati ba naman facebook ay papatulan nya ang mga katangahan ko??!!! God, i was just reposting my joke about Wang Lee Hom's vid and this is how i get from retelling an inside joke?? :|
It drives me into insanity than the sanity she intended for me.
And she always have to rely in many small things from me, small things that she could easily do without me. If i should be the one who always bring the keys of our condo, she shouldn't be complacent about bringing her own keys too just in case i lost or left it in Laguna. Emergencies are inevitable and we will never know when they will happen. She never also fails to make me feel bad with statements(direct or indirect) that i am selfish and i think of myself more than i think of her and other people in our family. And i really dislike the way she often had a hard time looking for her stuff like cigarettes or medications, and she would make yaya and i frantic into looking for them in her bag, room or whole condo.
I know she does a lot of things, even more than a sister could do, for me. Dissing her out like this is ungrateful and wrong. Plus, when she doesn't rebuke me out, she's okay and even really fun and nice to be with. And the reason why she is upbraiding me is because there are no longer anyone in a sound mind possible who would do so for me. My dad has a twisted sense of logic and maturity with loads of self bias which led me to countless useless suffering and regret, ate Gie had a family of her own and she has a kind of destructive and narrow tinge in her advices, yaya is too immature and is even a bad influence for me, Ahma almost has the same twisted sense of logic and maturity as my dad. But due to her super neurotic and perfectionist nature, even the smallest mistakes i get to be berated most of the time. All these years of growing up, countless of people-especially my mom- tell me that being berated is a really good thing, no matter how bad you will feel, since it shows the person who berates you cares about you. But like just about every good thing on earth, being berated too much is also a bad thing. Pyschologically speaking, when you berate, usually it is a punishment for the person you are berating to. It discourages someone into doing something. No one enjoys being scolded, and especially getting into the painful and humiliating process on a daily basis. But i have to understand her no matter how much it is demeaning and stupid.
Here's to a happy thanksgiving day to everyone, especially to ate ash!!! :)
Showing posts with label depressed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depressed. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
The world is so... unfair.
Recently, i find myself waking up with bad headache, sadness and utter frustration... even though it's not yet Hell Week.
All these times, i thought the reason why Xurt likes Wendy a hell lot is because Wendy isn't that much insanely jealous and possessive of him. I thought the reason why he dumped me off(even though we're not on) is because i was too tight of him...
But whaddayouknow, after i stopped the connection between me and him as lovers, i see on his facebook profile that he's praising and liking Wendy more for being... selosa and possesive of him. It's all bullshit, hard to believe but it's the whole fucking truth. Don't tell me Xurt will praise Wendy next for being a Xaverian... or else coz she's not totally a Xaverian not even 0.000000001%. Now, i don't know if ever he remember the reason why he hates me so, was he really that crazy or that he never totally liked me at all ever since. It's something that is considered to be fishy and at the same time sad.
Other than Xurt, everytime i come home (even on Loyola Heights), i always been in pain because of those only two(no, make that one) whom i consider as "family". Yesterday, i was dumbstruck when i read the messages my sister sent me. She asked me for the pldt phone so she could call dad, then her next message was rather awful. she told me that she's so sick of me not replying and that if dad got mad, it would be my fault. she wished for a sister whom she could count on but instead she got me... Yeah right, as if those messages came on time (rolls eyes). Those messages(which were sent by her at around 2:30pm) arrived in my inbox at about 5:30 pm. I tried to explain this fucking problem but instead she just ignored and rather coldly said "okay lang yun" as if those messages really came in my inbox at 2:30 pm(the last time i checked out my phone was 3:00 and there wasnt any messages yet). I wished for a sister who could understand me a lot, but instead i got her.
As for my dad, he went a bit lighter with us but still stringy with what we need. Last sunday, i got a new phone... after all the scary(na katakot takot na... as dad would say it) negotiation we have to fix. he wants to buy a phone if it's 0% on the credit card. When we couldnt find a deal which sells the phone at 0%, dad just told me to pay him Php 830 every month for 6 months to pay off the phone(which i think is a bit fair). But still it's not fair because before we were off to buy the phone, my dad rants about buying hams and tshirts(that were not meant for us to enjoy but) for the customers and those dirty, fat-assed commissioners who would take 50% off of the things we sold to a customer they bring. I can't believe a parent would rather prioritize those people he doesn't know more than his child, especially the one he consider affectionately as junior. I better enjoy his too-good-to-be-true, Xurt-like sweetness because by january he would be the devil again.
The world is terribly... unfair.
All these times, i thought the reason why Xurt likes Wendy a hell lot is because Wendy isn't that much insanely jealous and possessive of him. I thought the reason why he dumped me off(even though we're not on) is because i was too tight of him...
But whaddayouknow, after i stopped the connection between me and him as lovers, i see on his facebook profile that he's praising and liking Wendy more for being... selosa and possesive of him. It's all bullshit, hard to believe but it's the whole fucking truth. Don't tell me Xurt will praise Wendy next for being a Xaverian... or else coz she's not totally a Xaverian not even 0.000000001%. Now, i don't know if ever he remember the reason why he hates me so, was he really that crazy or that he never totally liked me at all ever since. It's something that is considered to be fishy and at the same time sad.
Other than Xurt, everytime i come home (even on Loyola Heights), i always been in pain because of those only two(no, make that one) whom i consider as "family". Yesterday, i was dumbstruck when i read the messages my sister sent me. She asked me for the pldt phone so she could call dad, then her next message was rather awful. she told me that she's so sick of me not replying and that if dad got mad, it would be my fault. she wished for a sister whom she could count on but instead she got me... Yeah right, as if those messages came on time (rolls eyes). Those messages(which were sent by her at around 2:30pm) arrived in my inbox at about 5:30 pm. I tried to explain this fucking problem but instead she just ignored and rather coldly said "okay lang yun" as if those messages really came in my inbox at 2:30 pm(the last time i checked out my phone was 3:00 and there wasnt any messages yet). I wished for a sister who could understand me a lot, but instead i got her.
As for my dad, he went a bit lighter with us but still stringy with what we need. Last sunday, i got a new phone... after all the scary(na katakot takot na... as dad would say it) negotiation we have to fix. he wants to buy a phone if it's 0% on the credit card. When we couldnt find a deal which sells the phone at 0%, dad just told me to pay him Php 830 every month for 6 months to pay off the phone(which i think is a bit fair). But still it's not fair because before we were off to buy the phone, my dad rants about buying hams and tshirts(that were not meant for us to enjoy but) for the customers and those dirty, fat-assed commissioners who would take 50% off of the things we sold to a customer they bring. I can't believe a parent would rather prioritize those people he doesn't know more than his child, especially the one he consider affectionately as junior. I better enjoy his too-good-to-be-true, Xurt-like sweetness because by january he would be the devil again.
The world is terribly... unfair.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
What if Bill got a gf?
Yesterday, i was checking out tokio hotel network to get updated about tokio hotel when i found out that Georg Listing(their bassist who share the same age as sir Ian-ah, adik) had a girlfriend, but the gf did not want to become famous that's why she is unknown to everyone else.
Well, im so happy for Georg and i think that girl's lucky to have found a nice guy like Georg.
Then, a nagging thought came to me. What if the time comes when Bill would have to get a ... *gasp, faint* girlfriend??
Well, i don't know if ever im gonna be glad about it or not. Just depends whoever that girlfriend was. It would be okay if the girl shares some great same interests with him, adorable, is a bit boyish, smart, down to earth, had a mature mind and a bit younger than him(some months to five?)... like a younger Nena, Maggie Cheung Ho-Yee in Old Time Buddy(aww, c'mon she looks like Bill's mum there, and she's really funny and adorable!!) or a Demi Lovato without cleft chin and the huge, toothy smile.
But it wouldn't be okay with me(will take long to accept) if the girl was the kind of girl who would always wear Jimmy Choo high heels and YSL/Louis Vuitton/ Gucci/ Miu Miu dress every single day- even on bed-, roll around in Givenchy catwalks, is willing to give Bill a headache and is very tempestuous, like *cough* Heather Chase* cough*... or my fan fic character Aslana Gecim.
If what Bill got was the latter, i think i would...
1. CRY. Cry. Cry. Okay, i think im gonna cry. Cry in my bed, cry in my Harry Potter doll, cry in the bathroom, cry on top of the Eiffel Tower, cry on GT's shoulders. Just let all those hard feelings and flaming jealousy out!!! At least there is no longer an Audrie Kaltiz in this world to tell Bill that her "sweet Connie Chan Po Chu-like" Hong Kongian best friend is sobbing and cursing madly about him in Cantonese while in the middle of him and his gf doing something intimate.
2. the next day, wear head to toe black for a week(even on my stardoll medoll). Okay, gonna mourn about Bill's being single being gone away and him facing all the problems he have to face with his girlfriend. A simple statement to show everyone that im "crushed" like a plastic cup.
3. Expose to Harry Potter and Hong Kongian stuffs. To divert myself, duh?
At least, being exposed to those reminds me of what Bill think so far about moi- a sweet, English speaking Chinese Potterista from Hong Kong who's a big fan of his. im just a tito John Li, Lily Wong, Suzy Wong, Rocky Wong, Shirley Wong, Faye Wong, Lau Gam, William Hung, Man Gwai Fei, Wong Sheung, Wong Yee, Hawick Lau, Kam Yat, Kam Yuet, Kam Nin, Yau Nim Chi, Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Maggie Cheung, Kam Sa Sa, 11th brother, Michelle Hung Bak Lam, Linda Chung, Bruce Lee, Donald Tsang, mga patay sa Tseung Kwan O, Katie Leung, Jessica Hsuan, Tung Chee Hwa, Gallen Lo, Francis Ng, Edison Chen in his life.
4. Drink Heineken- To divert yourself more, duh?
It's best if i cry on my (Heineken) loving uncle(you know who)'s shoulders. And then after that, challenge him to a Heineken drinking competition. Wash out all my good, dirty thoughts about Bill with Heineken and some good 'fessing to a priest.
5. Get your guitar back- okay, there is no one who'll make me get conscious with my hands anymore(since Bill's too occupied with his chick's hands) so there, go grab a guitar and build up my guitar skills back as well as those callouses two years worth to make it up.
In no time, i will get over it and still be a Tokio Hotel fan(unless their music changed to bad that i won't like it anymore).
Well, im so happy for Georg and i think that girl's lucky to have found a nice guy like Georg.
Then, a nagging thought came to me. What if the time comes when Bill would have to get a ... *gasp, faint* girlfriend??
Well, i don't know if ever im gonna be glad about it or not. Just depends whoever that girlfriend was. It would be okay if the girl shares some great same interests with him, adorable, is a bit boyish, smart, down to earth, had a mature mind and a bit younger than him(some months to five?)... like a younger Nena, Maggie Cheung Ho-Yee in Old Time Buddy(aww, c'mon she looks like Bill's mum there, and she's really funny and adorable!!) or a Demi Lovato without cleft chin and the huge, toothy smile.
But it wouldn't be okay with me(will take long to accept) if the girl was the kind of girl who would always wear Jimmy Choo high heels and YSL/Louis Vuitton/ Gucci/ Miu Miu dress every single day- even on bed-, roll around in Givenchy catwalks, is willing to give Bill a headache and is very tempestuous, like *cough* Heather Chase* cough*... or my fan fic character Aslana Gecim.
If what Bill got was the latter, i think i would...
1. CRY. Cry. Cry. Okay, i think im gonna cry. Cry in my bed, cry in my Harry Potter doll, cry in the bathroom, cry on top of the Eiffel Tower, cry on GT's shoulders. Just let all those hard feelings and flaming jealousy out!!! At least there is no longer an Audrie Kaltiz in this world to tell Bill that her "sweet Connie Chan Po Chu-like" Hong Kongian best friend is sobbing and cursing madly about him in Cantonese while in the middle of him and his gf doing something intimate.
2. the next day, wear head to toe black for a week(even on my stardoll medoll). Okay, gonna mourn about Bill's being single being gone away and him facing all the problems he have to face with his girlfriend. A simple statement to show everyone that im "crushed" like a plastic cup.
3. Expose to Harry Potter and Hong Kongian stuffs. To divert myself, duh?
At least, being exposed to those reminds me of what Bill think so far about moi- a sweet, English speaking Chinese Potterista from Hong Kong who's a big fan of his. im just a tito John Li, Lily Wong, Suzy Wong, Rocky Wong, Shirley Wong, Faye Wong, Lau Gam, William Hung, Man Gwai Fei, Wong Sheung, Wong Yee, Hawick Lau, Kam Yat, Kam Yuet, Kam Nin, Yau Nim Chi, Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Maggie Cheung, Kam Sa Sa, 11th brother, Michelle Hung Bak Lam, Linda Chung, Bruce Lee, Donald Tsang, mga patay sa Tseung Kwan O, Katie Leung, Jessica Hsuan, Tung Chee Hwa, Gallen Lo, Francis Ng, Edison Chen in his life.
4. Drink Heineken- To divert yourself more, duh?
It's best if i cry on my (Heineken) loving uncle(you know who)'s shoulders. And then after that, challenge him to a Heineken drinking competition. Wash out all my good, dirty thoughts about Bill with Heineken and some good 'fessing to a priest.
5. Get your guitar back- okay, there is no one who'll make me get conscious with my hands anymore(since Bill's too occupied with his chick's hands) so there, go grab a guitar and build up my guitar skills back as well as those callouses two years worth to make it up.
In no time, i will get over it and still be a Tokio Hotel fan(unless their music changed to bad that i won't like it anymore).
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